Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT While it was originally widely reported that coronavirus became the apocalyptic, click-inducing, toilet paper-hoarding mass clusterfxxk it is today, because the Chinese government doesn’t like it when people say mean things about them, it turns out we were wrong about that and that was just racist, apparently. More traditionally caucasian places like Spain, Italy, and the USA are … Continue reading Coronavirus Epicentre Shifts Amid Racism Claims

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT A New Zealand National Party MP has today decided the best way to tackle the coronavirus “pandemic” is by inviting a large group of people to all hang out in the same room for a couple of hours.  The Waterton Daily Chronicle asked the MP for Tukituki, Lawrence Yule, what the logic behind encouraging people to avoid coronavirus … Continue reading National MP Invites Locals To Coronavirus Party

As the coronavirus hysteria continues to reach new heights with every passing hour, the entire global news media has collectively decided they don’t really have to bother reporting on all the news anymore, and will just run a continuous loop of coronavirus stories for the rest of eternity.  Speaking exclusively to The Waterton Daily Chronicle, Emperor of The World Rupert Murdoch explained the decision.  “Well, … Continue reading World News Media Fires All Non-Coronavirus-Related Staff

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the hysteria around Coronavirus continues, QANTAS CEO Alan Joyce has today announced that he will be “slumming it” for the rest of the financial year as he works “for free”.  The immense act of virtue-signalry comes after a sustained media campaign to scare the shxt out of everyone in the hope that they’ll just stay at home … Continue reading QANTAS CEO Somehow Managing To Survive Until July On Just $16 Million

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Reports are coming in from the land that time forgot that current Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has declared toilet paper legal tender alongside actual money as the country’s coronavirus meltdown reaches a new high, or low, depending on how you look at it.  In an effort to calm things down a bit and perhaps taking a little … Continue reading Toilet Paper Declared Legal Tender In Australia As Hysteria Reaches New High

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With the bushfire crisis now a distant memory for angry mobs everywhere, one such group of woke warriors has found the next big newsworthy topic to blame entirely on Scomo, toilet paper.  Or more specifically, the lack of it.  Not even slightly put off by the supposed deadly threat of coronavirus, an angry mob consisting mostly of vegans … Continue reading Angry Mob Barricades Scomo’s House Looking For Toilet Paper

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the global death rate from Coronavirus soars past 0.000040000001%, and the media-induced hysteria goes into “Ludicrous Mode”, a tiny morsel of common sense has emerged from an unlikely source.  President Donald Trump caused yet another collective brain aneurysm among woke leftists everywhere today when he dared to suggest that coronavirus might not be quite as lethal as … Continue reading Coronavirus: “Opposite Day” Declared As Trump Becomes Beacon Of Common Sense

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT The world can rest a little easier tonight after Destiny Church cult leader “Bishop” Brian Tamaki announced he has come up with a simple vaccine.  Speaking from his South Auckland mansion, Bishop Brian told The Waterton Daily Chronicle all you need to do to be safe from the “scourge of coronavirus” is to turn up to his next … Continue reading “Bishop” Brian Tamaki Offers Coronavirus Cure For Just Eternal Weekly Payments Of At Least $100 (Cash Only)

School dropout and avid sailor Greta Thunberg has had her previously “ruined” childhood made just a little more bearable today with the news that she’s been awarded TIME magazine’s coveted “Person of the Year” title for 2019.  The award sees Thunberg join a long list of historical figures who go around yelling at everyone and marching in the streets until they get what they want.  … Continue reading Greta Thunberg Joins Who’s Who Of Ruthless Dictators And Catholic Priests As “Person Of The Year”

Some comedian that no one in The Waterton Chronicle office has ever heard of is apparently claiming that Netflix is racist because they only paid her half a million dollars for her first ever “comedy” special.  The seriously struggling comedian, who has only had regular acting work since the 1990s, said she was facing the prospect of having to tone down her spending a little … Continue reading Alleged Comedian Mo’Nique “Struggling To Survive” After Netflix Pays Her Just $500K