School dropout and avid sailor Greta Thunberg has had her previously “ruined” childhood made just a little more bearable today with the news that she’s been awarded TIME magazine’s coveted “Person of the Year” title for 2019.  The award sees Thunberg join a long list of historical figures who go around yelling at everyone and marching in the streets until they get what they want.  … Continue reading Greta Thunberg Joins Who’s Who Of Ruthless Dictators And Catholic Priests As “Person Of The Year”

Some comedian that no one in The Waterton Chronicle office has ever heard of is apparently claiming that Netflix is racist because they only paid her half a million dollars for her first ever “comedy” special.  The seriously struggling comedian, who has only had regular acting work since the 1990s, said she was facing the prospect of having to tone down her spending a little … Continue reading Alleged Comedian Mo’Nique “Struggling To Survive” After Netflix Pays Her Just $500K

After making themselves look like absolute dicks yesterday by labeling firefighters “wife-beaters”, and then copping another setback when it turned out that the bushfires in NSW and QLD were all deliberately lit, the vegans are it again.  Not content with just shutting up for a day or two, now it’s random members of the livestock community that are under fire.  A spokes-human for the Militant … Continue reading The Vegans Are At It Again, This Time Blaming “Pyromaniac Cattle”

80s and 90s kids everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief as whoever came up with that frankly grotesque beady-eyed version of Sonic a few months ago has been shown the door, and Sonic looks normal again.  The drama unfolded earlier this year when whatever pelican they hired to design Sonic for his new movie decided he didn’t need to bother finding out what Sonic … Continue reading World Relieved As Sonic The Hedgehog Looks Normal Again

Following reports a 9 year old on a day off school because of the bushfires entertained himself by setting a paddock on fire with his dad’s blowtorch, Barnaby has come out swinging for the second time today, defending the little angel, and suggesting he was just trying to help.  “Look, I commend the young lad to be honest. At least he’s having a crack” said … Continue reading Barnaby Joyce Reckons 9 Year Old Firebug “Probably Just Doing Some Back-Burning”

A gushing Clarke Gayford has recounted to this reporter how proud he was to show off his collection of “Dad cardigans” to Stephen Colbert during the Late Show host’s recent state visit.  The Woman’s Day-worthy incident unfolded after Jacinda took advantage of her 9.3 second appearance on his show last month to invite Colbert to holiday in New Zealand courtesy of the taxpayer.  In a … Continue reading First Dad Clarke Shows Stephen Colbert His Collection Of Dad Cardigans

Some woman claiming to be a celebrity and, even more ridiculously, a comedian, has apparently decided now is the time to emerge from the cave she’s living in for the last two and a half years to have another misguided crack at President Trump.  According to The Waterton Chronicle’s Celebrity Correspondent in Los Angeles, Mattias Buzzard-Scrapfeeder, Kathy Griffin has been living in an abandoned fruit … Continue reading Alleged Celebrity Kathy Griffin Thinks It’s About Time To Resurface.

Following the news that Elon has offered to launch the entire Kardashian situation out of the solar system in a bid to make them some other galaxy’s problem, he has today announced his next target in what’s now been dubbed ‘Operation: GTFOH’.  Apparently the next launch will be a bit more complex, due to Elon being unable to decide between launching Jacinda Ardern or Cardi … Continue reading Update: Elon Musk Chooses Next Celebrities To Be Launched Out Of The Solar System

People are this morning wondering what’s happened to Trump after a full 13 minutes has passed since he had an incoherent all caps rant about something on Twitter.  The alarm was raised a few minutes ago by self-described “Trumper” and anti-Mexican Arizona man Hank Guntoter who, seemingly in a state of semi-hysteria, tweeted at Trump:  “HOWDY MR PRESIDENT! YOU OK THERE BUDDY?! DON”T BE A … Continue reading Concern As Trump Goes Full 13 Minutes Without Rage Tweeting About Something

Evil Genius Elon Musk has sparked genuine public interest overnight after offering to use his next Space-X mission to fire the entire Kardashian/Jenner clan off into space somewhere.  In a clear demonstration of how aware he is of public sentiment on the topic, Musk spontaneously tweeted last night that he would be “more than happy to fire the whole lot of them out beyond the … Continue reading Elon Musk Offers To Fire Kardashians Off Into Space