Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Recently paroled headphone and cocaine connoisseur Cassie Sainsbury has apparently got straight back into the entrepreneurial spirit with the launch of  a custom-designed line of wireless headphones called “Hits By Cassie”.  Cassie told The Waterton Chronicle the initial setup is going well, with the Amazon store going live this morning following the arrival at her rented Bogota apartment … Continue reading Cocaine Cassie Starts Amazon E-Commerce Site

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following news earlier in the week that China, or at least some parts of it, have moved well into the Bronze Age and decided that cats and dogs make better pets than stir fry, the World Health Organisation is apparently putting pressure on Australia to stop eating Skippy and his mates.  “What China is doing, by gently encouraging … Continue reading World Health Organisation Urges Australia To Reclassify Kangaroos As “Companions”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT A Waterton University of Technology (WUT) medical student has told his parents back home he doesn’t really want to sell the Mercedes, and that it’d be better for him if Australian taxpayers could give him some free cash instead. Jimmy Tran, an aspiring neuro-surgeon, told his mum he likes the car too much to sell it, and it … Continue reading International Student Not Keen To Sell AMG-Mercedes, “Better If Aussie Taxpayer Helps Me”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As pretty much the entire world goes into lockdown to fight the spread of COVID-19, Time Magazine has conceded no one else, not even Greta or Trump, are going to top the humble pangolin for most influential person of 2020.  A spokesperson for Time told The Waterton Daily Chronicle the choice was a “no brainer, really.”.  “Very rarely … Continue reading Pangolin Announced As Time’s “2020 Person Of The Year”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT While it was originally widely reported that coronavirus became the apocalyptic, click-inducing, toilet paper-hoarding mass clusterfxxk it is today, because the Chinese government doesn’t like it when people say mean things about them, it turns out we were wrong about that and that was just racist, apparently. More traditionally caucasian places like Spain, Italy, and the USA are … Continue reading Coronavirus Epicentre Shifts Amid Racism Claims

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT A New Zealand National Party MP has today decided the best way to tackle the coronavirus “pandemic” is by inviting a large group of people to all hang out in the same room for a couple of hours.  The Waterton Daily Chronicle asked the MP for Tukituki, Lawrence Yule, what the logic behind encouraging people to avoid coronavirus … Continue reading National MP Invites Locals To Coronavirus Party

As the coronavirus hysteria continues to reach new heights with every passing hour, the entire global news media has collectively decided they don’t really have to bother reporting on all the news anymore, and will just run a continuous loop of coronavirus stories for the rest of eternity.  Speaking exclusively to The Waterton Daily Chronicle, Emperor of The World Rupert Murdoch explained the decision.  “Well, … Continue reading World News Media Fires All Non-Coronavirus-Related Staff

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the hysteria around Coronavirus continues, QANTAS CEO Alan Joyce has today announced that he will be “slumming it” for the rest of the financial year as he works “for free”.  The immense act of virtue-signalry comes after a sustained media campaign to scare the shxt out of everyone in the hope that they’ll just stay at home … Continue reading QANTAS CEO Somehow Managing To Survive Until July On Just $16 Million

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Reports are coming in from the land that time forgot that current Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has declared toilet paper legal tender alongside actual money as the country’s coronavirus meltdown reaches a new high, or low, depending on how you look at it.  In an effort to calm things down a bit and perhaps taking a little … Continue reading Toilet Paper Declared Legal Tender In Australia As Hysteria Reaches New High

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With the bushfire crisis now a distant memory for angry mobs everywhere, one such group of woke warriors has found the next big newsworthy topic to blame entirely on Scomo, toilet paper.  Or more specifically, the lack of it.  Not even slightly put off by the supposed deadly threat of coronavirus, an angry mob consisting mostly of vegans … Continue reading Angry Mob Barricades Scomo’s House Looking For Toilet Paper