Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Forget COVID-19 for a moment, a far more serious risk to the health of the nation right now is Malcolm Turnbull’s latest book.  Seemingly hellbent on resurrecting the god-awful mental images of Barnaby getting jiggy with it that Australians had only recently managed to get out of their brains, Malcolm has decided that what people really need right … Continue reading Entire Nation Swallows A Little Bit Of Vomit After Malcolm Turnbull’s 50 Shades Of Barnaby Rant

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT After trying unsuccessfully last week to tell people they couldn’t fxxk each other, the government has apparently switched to the more palatable tactic of telling everyone to go fxxk themselves tonight, with the announcement that Sexyland has been declared an “essential service”.  “Yeah, we tried to stop all the fxxkery last week, but people were kind of… resistant, … Continue reading Sexyland Declared An Essential Service

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With coronavirus hysteria sweeping the western world, Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern is apparently pretty keen to use the crisis to try to avoid the inevitable absolute bollocking she is about to receive at the General Election later this year.  “What we’ve realised is if we go to an election, we’re pretty much fxxked.” Ardern explained.  “So we think … Continue reading NZ: Election To Be Delayed Until Jacinda Leads Polls

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following the news that anyone entering New Zealand will now be required to self-isolate for two weeks, Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern has had a bit of a think about how she’s going to enforce the rule, and she’s come up with the perfect solution.  Our glorious leader initially thought the policy wouldn’t need enforcing, because “people do what … Continue reading Mongrel Mob To Help Police Enforce Coronavirus Self-Isolation

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In an act of pure selflessness rarely seen from Cindy, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has today decided to at least try to pretend that she cares who wins the September election with the announcement that she will turn up to the memorial service in a burqa, in a move that she is trying to convince people … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern To Wear Full Burqa At Christchurch Memorial In Desperate Bid To Not Lose Election

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With Coronavirus sending the mainstream media into a state of pure ecstasy over clicks and shares, and idiots everywhere lapping it up as if it’s a story about a man who was hung out to dry on a cross and turned up back at the pub three days later, Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern is unfazed by the events … Continue reading Communist Cindy Pretty Happy With How Things Are Going

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Apparently after a few too many Fiji Bitters last night, Prime Minister Ardern for some reason thought it was a good idea to announce that her government is “cracking down” on fuel prices.  Coincidentally, the announcement comes a few months out from an election that she is wandering into with a Deputy Prime Minister she refuses to speak … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern Reckons NZ Is Stupid Enough To Vote For Her Again

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With New Zealand’s Lotto prize pool at $50 million for this Saturday’s draw after jackpotting again last week, Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern has announced that if it jackpots again she’ll be “redistributing” the money to things that make her look good at the UN.  Speaking from her palace overlooking a secret Fiji beach, Ardern told The Waterton Daily … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern Announces What Happens If Lotto Jackpots Again

Heir to the throne First Baby Neve has today completely solved the Ihumatao land occupation problem by just telling the land occupiers that they can stay there, according to reports received by The Waterton Daily Chronicle.  Speaking from the scene of the illegal land occupation, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said she was incredibly proud of her daughter.  “It’s just so amazing how switched on the … Continue reading First Baby Neve Completely Solves Ihumatao Land Occupation

New Zealand Prime Minister and UN golden child Jacinda Ardern has today announced the establishment of yet another government department.  The Department of Unemployment Elimination will be tasked with completely eliminating unemployment overnight, in what Supreme Leader Ardern has labelled a “revolutionary initiative for unemployed people and for me.”.  “It’ll be pretty much identical to most other government departments really.”.  “Basically we realised that the … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern Announces New Department of Unemployment Elimination