NZ Herald Steals “Fair And Balanced” Tagline From Fox News

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In what will surely result in the next “completely impartial and not at all paid for by taxpayer money” pre-election poll showing that Jacinda will officially ascend to the status of “deity master” on election night in a few weeks, the New Zealand Herald has tonight just gone ahead and unveiled their new tagline.  The Waterton Chronicle sent … Continue reading NZ Herald Steals “Fair And Balanced” Tagline From Fox News

Jacinda Ardern Says She’ll “Hug everyone in New Zealand if that’s what it takes”

Rob Walsh | Political Reporter | CONTACT NZ Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has issued a stern challenge to National Party leader Judith Collins, stating that she’ll hug all of New Zealand’s “team of 5 million” citizens in order to win the now-postponed NZ election. Fronting the press after Auckland’s reversal into lockdown, Ardern said she’s ready to embrace every citizen literally if it means securing … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern Says She’ll “Hug everyone in New Zealand if that’s what it takes”

Australian Citizens Trapped Overseas Start Enrolling As International Students To Get Back Home

Mark Lewis | Foreign Correspondent | CONTACT A new trend has emerged as Australian citizens stuck offshore due to border lockdowns have started enrolling in Australian universities, to expedite their return home. The trend started after the SA and NT governments announced last week that they would fly international students back into Australia, after relentless lobbying by the university ticket-clipping industry. Fed up with being … Continue reading Australian Citizens Trapped Overseas Start Enrolling As International Students To Get Back Home

NZ Locks Down Again Despite Being “COVID-Free” Yesterday

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT After being gushed at and fawned over for months for single-handedly defeating not only a crazed lunatic with a gun, but a volcano and a “naturally occurring bat virus” that happened to magically escape from a lab in China, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has tonight interrupted the peasants’ regular government-sanctioned programming to announce that for reasons … Continue reading NZ Locks Down Again Despite Being “COVID-Free” Yesterday

Entire Western World Collapses As President Trump Bans TikTok

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Shocking scenes are emerging in bedrooms across the USA tonight following Trump’s announcement that popular self-wankfest app TikTok is set to be banned.  In a welcome respite from the actual carnage happening on the streets of Philadelphia and other important cities, parents of children who think their lives are tough at least know where their kids are this … Continue reading Entire Western World Collapses As President Trump Bans TikTok

Comrade Cindy Contemplates Making Elections Illegal

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In a sure sign that the people are about to get what they deserve, Prime Minister of New Zealand, global sweetheart, and recently single mum Jacinda Ardern has adopted what absolutely anyone with half a brain is calling “a bit of a weird strategy”.  Six weeks out from an election, the standard strategy of even the most questionable … Continue reading Comrade Cindy Contemplates Making Elections Illegal

WUT Closes Indefinitely After All Professors Cancelled

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the entire western world busy’s itself with making sure no one offends anyone with old fashioned ideas like disagreeing with idiotic opinions in a civil manner instead of just setting fire to innocent people’s property, the equality continues to flow fast and free on campus at the Waterton University of Technology (WUT).  After a couple of incidents … Continue reading WUT Closes Indefinitely After All Professors Cancelled

Jacinda’s Approval Rating Hits An Unprecedented 526%, With A Little Help From Some Friends

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Despite dismally failing in all of her 2017 pre-election promises, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern is somehow polling hundreds of percentage points above any of her opponents, in what kinda looks a bit like a banana republic being born.  The poll, which The Waterton Chronicle understands was conducted in a secret location, by invitation only, and with … Continue reading Jacinda’s Approval Rating Hits An Unprecedented 526%, With A Little Help From Some Friends

Kanye Deemed “More Sane” Than Trump Or Biden, WUT Study Finds

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As speculation continues to mount that years of dealing with the Kardashian/Jenner clan might have finally taken its toll on Kanye, an indepth Waterton University of Technology (WUT) study into the situation has revealed that the billionaire rapper might actually be “sane”, at least when compared to his main Presidential rivals.  The study, headed up by WUT Professor … Continue reading Kanye Deemed “More Sane” Than Trump Or Biden, WUT Study Finds

Premier Dan Andrews Offers Baby Pandas To Victorians Who Do What They’re Told

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As Victoria continues to build its case for being removed entirely from Australia, Premier Dan has today come up with a novel way to hopefully marginally disrupt the spread of COVID-19 in the communist outpost.  Despite weeks of basically begging people to do what they’re told, for some reason strategies like hiring a bunch of idiots to run … Continue reading Premier Dan Andrews Offers Baby Pandas To Victorians Who Do What They’re Told