Knives, Forks, Spoons To Be Outlawed In New Zealand

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As New Zealand’s forced march towards full dependence on El Presidente Jacinda’s Chinese overlords continues, the formerly democratic nation’s traditional cutlery of choice is next on the list of things to be outlawed.  The Waterton Chronicle has learned that the Chinese Communist Party is insisting that, in return for the billions of dollars it is sending to New … Continue reading Knives, Forks, Spoons To Be Outlawed In New Zealand

Social Distancing Doesn’t Apply To My Supporters, Says El Presidente

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Teenagers across America have donned their backpacks and facescarfs to get some much-needed outdoors time away from the daily grind of playing Fortnite, uploading TikToks, and receiving “donations” from their OnlyFans in the wake of the death of George Floyd at the hands of a lunatic.  Meanwhile back in the newly formed People’s Republic of New Jacindia, El … Continue reading Social Distancing Doesn’t Apply To My Supporters, Says El Presidente

Clementine Ford Solves Gender Pay Gap

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Renowned lover of men, especially middle-class white ones, Clementine Ford, has  apparently single handedly completely solved the gender pay gap issue over the weekend.  In what absolutely no one is describing as “uncharacteristic behaviour”, Clemmy went on a massive Twitter rant about how not enough white men are dying from COVID-19.  The ensuing dumpster fire revealed that far … Continue reading Clementine Ford Solves Gender Pay Gap

“What Pay Cut? Oh That Silly Thing.” Says Jacinda

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Almost two months after the ACT Party proposed a 20% pay cut for all MPs amid this COVID chaos, and El Presidente Jacinda immediately stole the idea, MPs are still on full pay.  The Waterton Chronicle sent in an investigative team to find out why.  Despite attempts to “dismiss” questions from the media about what exactly she’s up … Continue reading “What Pay Cut? Oh That Silly Thing.” Says Jacinda

Jacinda Repurposes Beef & Poultry Farms, Cigars “More Profitable” Apparently

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following the announcement on Friday that El Presidente Jacinda Ardern isn’t keen on being accountable to the people of Tropico, sorry, New Zealand, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to report the news.  However, The Waterton Chronicle has learned through a leaked email from El Presidente’s office that Jacinda’s plan to not have the entire country’s population starve to death … Continue reading Jacinda Repurposes Beef & Poultry Farms, Cigars “More Profitable” Apparently

Jacinda Goes Full Castro Amid COVID Chaos

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has apparently gone full Fidel Castro, as the harsh realities of trying to run a socialist dictatorship in a democratic nation make their way home to roost.  With those pesky opposition MPs and journalists beginning to ask too many questions, like “how will people pay for stuff without jobs?”, “when will we … Continue reading Jacinda Goes Full Castro Amid COVID Chaos

Jacinda Spends NZ’s Last $25 On Maccas Family Meal Box

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In a developing story, it appears New Zealand’s Prime Minister has spent the country’s last $25 on a bit of a treat for First Dad Clarke in these difficult times.  The Waterton Chronicle understands that after spending the last two weeks desperately trying to completely drain the Treasury’s coffers as quickly as possible, the part-time hijab and hugs … Continue reading Jacinda Spends NZ’s Last $25 On Maccas Family Meal Box

“Mandarin Not Just A Fruit In NZ Now”, Says Jacinda

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT As the apparently suddenly endless supply of free money continues to fly around New Zealand, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has been quick to put to rest any ideas that the country will get out of this absolute mess without help from her Chinese overlords, The Waterton Chronicle has learned.  Right about the time the government somehow managed to … Continue reading “Mandarin Not Just A Fruit In NZ Now”, Says Jacinda

China Annexes North Korea in Hilarious Weekend At Bernies Crossover

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT “Welcome to North Korea.” said Kim Jong Un to this reporter, despite his lips not moving, and in fluent Chinese.  Come to think of it, his wave was kind of strange too, seemingly led by his nylon rope wristband. Our sports writers did reach out to Dennis Rodman, who noted his famous friend-come-despotic dictator seemed to be acting … Continue reading China Annexes North Korea in Hilarious Weekend At Bernies Crossover

Australians Love Jacinda, They’re Just Not Sure Why

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In an attempt to understand why so many Australians gush and fawn over New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern as if she’s some kind of demigod, The Waterton Chronicle has asked a group of self-described “Jacinda lovers” to outline what it is they love about the Supreme Leader of New Zealand.  Lynn (49) from Brunswick said “Scummo bad, … Continue reading Australians Love Jacinda, They’re Just Not Sure Why