Drama has erupted in a Waterton Meadows home overnight after a naughty 14-year-old Fortnite addict well and truly crossed the imaginary line his mum had drawn.  After having a bad run of form in his standard six hour daily marathon of Fortnite, including getting trolled by some creepily good 8-year-old, things really came to a head when Finlay Butler-Tomlinson told his mum to “fark off … Continue reading Waterton Teen Joins Antifa Punch-on After Mum Cancels Xbox Live Subscription

A Waterton man is today a bit confused as to why anyone would make up a bunch of lies in return for money, after an unfortunate, chance meeting with some random guy on a street corner who claimed to be able to solve all his problems for a few thousand dollars.  Recent arrival Kashed-Up Konaman told the man (who we’ve chosen to name “Trevor”) that … Continue reading Waterton Man Surprised To Learn “Fortune Teller” He Met On Street Corner Is A Scammer

ANZ Bank has just announced that Friday afternoon drinks for staff are cancelled indefinitely, citing a “perfect storm” of rising beer and wine prices together with only making a $6.4b profit last year.  ANZ’s Director of Rorting & Pillaging, Angus Jackov said the situation was  dire and drastic measures had to be taken.  “Look, those of us in the Senior Leadership Team like a free … Continue reading Bank Cancels Friday Drinks After ‘Only’ Making $6.4 Billion This Year

A quick survey of Police horses present at the Melbourne mining sector protests today reveals the majority don’t really hold a specific view on whether or not mining is bad.  The result comes as quite a surprise, after the supposedly “peaceful” protestors seemed to take issue with the horses’ uniforms, or maybe the tone of their neighs or something.  Either way, several of the oblivious … Continue reading Report: 9 Out Of 10 Melbourne Police Horses Don’t Have An Opinion Either Way On Mining Companies

A local flock of sheep generally minding their own business has had a rude shock overnight after a group of vegans snuck into their paddock and superglued themselves to the unsuspecting livestock.  The group, calling themselves Waterton Animal Crisis Cooperation Organisation (WACCO) snuck onto the farm on the outskirts of Waterton at around 3am this morning as the majority of the tasty creatures were asleep.  … Continue reading Militant Vegans Superglue Themselves To Understandably Alarmed Flock Of Sheep

A Waterton massage “expert” with limited English and a questionable right to work here has today lost her shit after failing to convince any of her clients to go for the “Daily Special”.  “What am I supposed to do now?!” she asked no one in particular. Not content with finding a proper job, the James Cook University international student headed to the local supermarket with … Continue reading Special Report: Why Doesn’t China Just Make Its Own Baby Formula?

A Waterton mother seeking Instagram fame in the post-Insta-like-display era has today taken the desperate step of naming her newborn son “Climate Change”.  Tiffany Ack-Tivist (28) has been chasing Instagram fame for several years and says the recent decision by Instagram to remove the number of likes a post attracts has “ruined” her life.  “Basically they’ve forced me into this position” she said.  “All the … Continue reading Allegedly Not Insane Woman Names Her Newborn “Climate Change”

A Waterton family is a bit concerned about the state of their dear old Nan tonight after she spent all day ranting on about “the real cause” of the Queensland and NSW droughts.  According to Nan, there is actually plenty of water, it’s just it’s all being syphoned away by “The Vegans” to supply giant almond farms for Brunswick cafes, she reckons.  “It’s a bloody … Continue reading Waterton Pensioner Comes Up With Quite The Conspiracy Theory

Things have gone a bit feral at a local Waterton pub after a group of life insurance salespeople extended their Friday drinks session a little too far for one lightweight.  New recruit Chad Threepenny (19) had a good week, roping 48 unsuspecting elderly people into pretty much useless life and funeral insurance policies, and won the team’s “Star Of The Week” Award at the weekly … Continue reading Office Lightweight Goes Around Telling Everyone He’s “The Champ” After A Few Too Many

A Waterton Honda owner says he is “pretty happy with the results” after investing in a ‘Type R’ badge for his 1991 Civic VTi. The $15 modification has apparently completed stage 2 of the VTEC fan’s upgrade plans and adds to work he’s already completed. “Yeah the badge has definitely helped. I can really feel the improvements” he explained. “The ‘Spoon’ stickers and bonnet pins, … Continue reading Waterton Tryhard Adds ‘Type R’ Badge To Ancient Civic, Pleased With Gains