Israel Folau Adds Gay People To Growing List Of Bushfire Culprits

With conservative politicians, Green politicians, Labor politicians, 9-year-old kids, climate change, farmers, arsonists, trees, fire, hot weather, people who buy Bunnings sausages, the patriarchy, lightning and cows already on the list of potential suspects in the case of “Who caused the bushfires?”, some guy that used to throw a ball around has emerged from his cave today to add another potential line of inquiry into … Continue reading Israel Folau Adds Gay People To Growing List Of Bushfire Culprits

Waterton Man Opens Dinner Conversation With “Sooo, Work Tomorrow”

For the 400th Sunday in a row, a Waterton man has started dinner-time small-talk with the tried and tested “sooo, work tomorrow…”.  The incident unfolded after Waterton council planning officer Bruce Dingleberry had earlier contemplated coming up with something new to talk about at dinner, unsuccessfully.  “I had been trying to think of something more interesting to talk about all day, but nothing came to … Continue reading Waterton Man Opens Dinner Conversation With “Sooo, Work Tomorrow”

34-Year-Old Woman Still Searching For “The One” Catches Actual Taxi Home From Club

A Waterton woman who still hasn’t found what she’s looking for caught a cab home tonight “for old time’s sake”.  The incident unfolded when perennial first-dater Ellie (34) once again spent three hours this afternoon getting all dressed up for “a big night” only to come away empty-handed once more.  “I’m about ready to give up” she said.  “All I want is a ridiculously attractive … Continue reading 34-Year-Old Woman Still Searching For “The One” Catches Actual Taxi Home From Club

Suspected Brain Injury Causes Man To Say Friends Is Better Than Seinfeld

A man is tonight in an induced coma in Waterton Central Hospital after some kind of medical event in his brain caused him to suddenly decide that Friends is better than Seinfeld.  Paramedics were called to a Waterton Meadows home around 4pm today after a man reportedly spent too long watching old Friends blooper clips on Youtube and started messaging his mate saying clearly insane … Continue reading Suspected Brain Injury Causes Man To Say Friends Is Better Than Seinfeld

Waterton Man Reduced To Pure Nausea By Love Island

A Waterton father of two just realised how old he is after being subjected to three minutes of the latest episode of Love Island.  The drama unfolded just minutes ago when Waterton Lakes dad Trent (41) accidentally gave the TV remote to his missus, a move he would immediately regret.  “She immediately put on this Love Island crap” he explained.  “Like, none of them have … Continue reading Waterton Man Reduced To Pure Nausea By Love Island

9/10 Opel Drivers Prefer A Cup Of Tea And A Lie Down Over This Supercars Carry On

In a specially commissioned report following the debacle that was the 2019 Sandown 500, The Waterton Chronicle has discovered that pretty much no one who buys a new “Commodore” knows what “Supercars” is.  Despite their best attempts to link Opel family wagons to Holden Commodores to winning at Supercars, the whole “win on Sunday, sell on Monday” thing seems to have gone out the window, … Continue reading 9/10 Opel Drivers Prefer A Cup Of Tea And A Lie Down Over This Supercars Carry On

Kiwi On Boozy Girls Weekend Blames “Jet Lag” For Early Night

A Palmerston North woman on her first trip outside the North Island is tonight safely tucked up in her Melbourne hotel bed at the outrageously sensible hour of 7pm AEDT after the day just got all a bit much for her.  Tiffany Drinkwater (21) and her two besties Stacy and Veronica were all checked into their hotel by 5pm after what Tiff described as “the … Continue reading Kiwi On Boozy Girls Weekend Blames “Jet Lag” For Early Night

Waterton Tenant Claims Small Victory Over “Capitalism” After Landlord Agrees To Install Aircon

A Waterton renter is tonight cracking out a bottle of Lindauer she’s been saving for a special occasion after her landlord has surprisingly agreed to help her not steam-bake in her apartment over the coming summer.  Waterton West resident Sarah Tanasoff (31) was until today contemplating another summer sweltering in barely survivable sauna-like conditions when the automated email from her absentee property manager came through.  … Continue reading Waterton Tenant Claims Small Victory Over “Capitalism” After Landlord Agrees To Install Aircon

Evidently Fear Is A Factor For One Waterton Shopper

A routine supermarket trip has turned into a psychological ordeal this afternoon after a Waterton resident found herself in a Mexican stand-off with a rogue cockroach, over a trolley.  The drama began when local resident Sharon Cheeseater (31) left her trolley for a few seconds to grab some pretend meat patties.  Seeing the unattended trolley, the brazen cockroach seized the moment, leaping onto the handle.  … Continue reading Evidently Fear Is A Factor For One Waterton Shopper

Waterton Man Who Didn’t Invent Facebook Reckons It’s “Dead”

A Waterton man who signed up to Instagram last week after a tipoff from the new guy at work reckons Facebook is “dead”.  Chad Pelican (22) wasn’t interested in a coworker’s counter-argument that Facebook had just reported it’s biggest annual profit in history, a paltry $17 billion. He also dismissed the fact that active user numbers are up, labelling it “fake news bro”.  “I knew … Continue reading Waterton Man Who Didn’t Invent Facebook Reckons It’s “Dead”