Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT It appears even the nation’s meth addicts are doing their bit to stop the spread of COVID-19, with reports coming in that a group of society’s finest specimens are utilising “friendly skull” facemasks, apparently in a bid to protect themselves from the deadly virus.   Self-described “meth enthusiast” Corey spoke to The Waterton Daily Chronicle to explain the logic … Continue reading Local Meth Head Dons “Friendly” Skull Face Mask To Guard Against COVID-19

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Jacinda Ardern’s latest directive is going about as well as every other policy introduced by her government, with apparently the entire country deciding this afternoon that “stay at home” is some kind of elaborate code for “go to Pak N Save” or maybe “you need to fill up your car”.  The Waterton Daily Chronicle spoke to one punter … Continue reading Social Distancing? Yeah Nah Bro

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Efforts to introduce a new pet dog to a pair of wily old cats went about as well as could be expected for a Waterton Lakes family today, according to reports from the scene.  The drama unfolded after the Bijon-Frieze family decided for some reason they’d spice things up a bit on the household pet front after their … Continue reading Waterton Cat Welcomes New Family Dog With Customary Faceslap Combo

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Drama has unfolded in a Waterton home tonight after father of three Darren filled a rubbish bin up beyond the point where closing the lid was possible.  “Yeah, it was pretty intense” Darren told The Waterton Daily Chronicle.  “Like I’m pretty confident it won’t be a problem, but the missus is adamant it will cause a backlog of … Continue reading Waterton Father Risks Death By Filling Rubbish Bin Too Much

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT An incredibly selfish Waterton man has taken to social media this morning to brag about how much toilet paper he’s got in what some are describing as an “act of  emotional terrorism”. The incident unfolded around 10am this morning when Randall Stephens (41) of Waterton Meadows posted a series of pictures on Instagram showing a meticulously constructed toilet … Continue reading Waterton Man Hangs Toilet Paper All Over Lounge Just To Annoy People

A Waterton man has today gone behind his wife’s back and picked up a secondhand Thrustmaster steering wheel off Gumtree for his Xbox Forza Motorsport “simulator” setup, witnesses report.  The incident apparently occurred after Waterton resident and self-proclaimed “Modern day Enforcer” Lachie Brayke-Kellipa (28) managed to get through the 300 miles of Sebring race on Forza 7 without falling asleep at the “wheel” (controller) somehow.  … Continue reading Waterton Man Invests In Second Hand Thrustmaster Wheel For His Forza “Sim” Setup

In a shocking display of originality a South Waterton apprentice has replaced the Holden badges on his VE SV6 with Chevy ones he ordered off AliExpress.  Shane Smith (19) says he changed the badges because he wanted to “stand out” when he’s “cruising for chicks” on Friday nights.  “My mate Damo gave me the idea after seeing one in the big smoke a few weeks … Continue reading South Waterton Man Puts Chevy Badges On VE Commodore

After being allegedly “objectified” by some guy just trying to sell some firewood at exactly the wrong time of the year last week, Project NZ panelist and apparent royalty has had another run in with the “great unwashed”.  Just trying to make her way to her cushy social justice platform this morning, Kanoa found herself in the precarious position of having to stop off at … Continue reading Project NZ Host Kanoa Lloyd “Encroached Upon” At Service Station

Having recently had the pleasure of waiting at an airport gate for the best part of three hours, Waterton resident Trevor can confirm it’s actually not that bad until complete strangers go full detective mode and try to get you to explain your entire life story to them for some reason.  The latest incident unfolded about half an hour before Trevor’s flight was due to … Continue reading Waiting In Airports Infinitely Better When Random Strangers Mind Their Own Business

With conservative politicians, Green politicians, Labor politicians, 9-year-old kids, climate change, farmers, arsonists, trees, fire, hot weather, people who buy Bunnings sausages, the patriarchy, lightning and cows already on the list of potential suspects in the case of “Who caused the bushfires?”, some guy that used to throw a ball around has emerged from his cave today to add another potential line of inquiry into … Continue reading Israel Folau Adds Gay People To Growing List Of Bushfire Culprits