A Waterton man has today gone behind his wife’s back and picked up a secondhand Thrustmaster steering wheel off Gumtree for his Xbox Forza Motorsport “simulator” setup, witnesses report.  The incident apparently occurred after Waterton resident and self-proclaimed “Modern day Enforcer” Lachie Brayke-Kellipa (28) managed to get through the 300 miles of Sebring race on Forza 7 without falling asleep at the “wheel” (controller) somehow.  … Continue reading Waterton Man Invests In Second Hand Thrustmaster Wheel For His Forza “Sim” Setup

In a shocking display of originality a South Waterton apprentice has replaced the Holden badges on his VE SV6 with Chevy ones he ordered off AliExpress.  Shane Smith (19) says he changed the badges because he wanted to “stand out” when he’s “cruising for chicks” on Friday nights.  “My mate Damo gave me the idea after seeing one in the big smoke a few weeks … Continue reading South Waterton Man Puts Chevy Badges On VE Commodore

After being allegedly “objectified” by some guy just trying to sell some firewood at exactly the wrong time of the year last week, Project NZ panelist and apparent royalty has had another run in with the “great unwashed”.  Just trying to make her way to her cushy social justice platform this morning, Kanoa found herself in the precarious position of having to stop off at … Continue reading Project NZ Host Kanoa Lloyd “Encroached Upon” At Service Station

Having recently had the pleasure of waiting at an airport gate for the best part of three hours, Waterton resident Trevor can confirm it’s actually not that bad until complete strangers go full detective mode and try to get you to explain your entire life story to them for some reason.  The latest incident unfolded about half an hour before Trevor’s flight was due to … Continue reading Waiting In Airports Infinitely Better When Random Strangers Mind Their Own Business

With conservative politicians, Green politicians, Labor politicians, 9-year-old kids, climate change, farmers, arsonists, trees, fire, hot weather, people who buy Bunnings sausages, the patriarchy, lightning and cows already on the list of potential suspects in the case of “Who caused the bushfires?”, some guy that used to throw a ball around has emerged from his cave today to add another potential line of inquiry into … Continue reading Israel Folau Adds Gay People To Growing List Of Bushfire Culprits

For the 400th Sunday in a row, a Waterton man has started dinner-time small-talk with the tried and tested “sooo, work tomorrow…”.  The incident unfolded after Waterton council planning officer Bruce Dingleberry had earlier contemplated coming up with something new to talk about at dinner, unsuccessfully.  “I had been trying to think of something more interesting to talk about all day, but nothing came to … Continue reading Waterton Man Opens Dinner Conversation With “Sooo, Work Tomorrow”

A Waterton woman who still hasn’t found what she’s looking for caught a cab home tonight “for old time’s sake”.  The incident unfolded when perennial first-dater Ellie (34) once again spent three hours this afternoon getting all dressed up for “a big night” only to come away empty-handed once more.  “I’m about ready to give up” she said.  “All I want is a ridiculously attractive … Continue reading 34-Year-Old Woman Still Searching For “The One” Catches Actual Taxi Home From Club

A man is tonight in an induced coma in Waterton Central Hospital after some kind of medical event in his brain caused him to suddenly decide that Friends is better than Seinfeld.  Paramedics were called to a Waterton Meadows home around 4pm today after a man reportedly spent too long watching old Friends blooper clips on Youtube and started messaging his mate saying clearly insane … Continue reading Suspected Brain Injury Causes Man To Say Friends Is Better Than Seinfeld

A Waterton father of two just realised how old he is after being subjected to three minutes of the latest episode of Love Island.  The drama unfolded just minutes ago when Waterton Lakes dad Trent (41) accidentally gave the TV remote to his missus, a move he would immediately regret.  “She immediately put on this Love Island crap” he explained.  “Like, none of them have … Continue reading Waterton Man Reduced To Pure Nausea By Love Island

In a specially commissioned report following the debacle that was the 2019 Sandown 500, The Waterton Chronicle has discovered that pretty much no one who buys a new “Commodore” knows what “Supercars” is.  Despite their best attempts to link Opel family wagons to Holden Commodores to winning at Supercars, the whole “win on Sunday, sell on Monday” thing seems to have gone out the window, … Continue reading 9/10 Opel Drivers Prefer A Cup Of Tea And A Lie Down Over This Supercars Carry On