Supercars: Whincup Should Probably Just Chill Out A Bit, Poll Finds

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With yet another epic Bathurst 1000 behind us, and with Jamie Whincup once again demonstrating his lack of understanding around things like maths, decision-making, and risk v reward, The Waterton Chronicle conducted a poll.  The goal of the poll was to discover if anyone anywhere thought that trying to pass Captain Brodie “I’m good at iRacing” Kostecki on … Continue reading Supercars: Whincup Should Probably Just Chill Out A Bit, Poll Finds

Supercars: Skaife Has A Cry When Whincup Bins It

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With the Bathurst 1000 done for another year, and with Whincup once again succumbing to his customary “I’m at Bathurst so I need to turn off my brain” thing, no one was more upset than Mark Skaife.  Even Craig Lowndes seemed to just accept the fact that if Jamie was going to fxxk it, he may as well … Continue reading Supercars: Skaife Has A Cry When Whincup Bins It

Supercars: Mark Skaife Fast-Tracks Weather Control Machine In The Name Of Parity

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With the Tickford Ford pairing of Lee Holdsworth and Michael Caruso taking provisional pole for Sunday’s Bathurst 1000, Mark Skaife has apparently taken the unconventional step of ramping up development of a machine designed to avoid such travesties in the future.  “Yeah, look, I spoke to Paulie (Head of Supercars, Paulie the Parity Pelican), and he was adamant … Continue reading Supercars: Mark Skaife Fast-Tracks Weather Control Machine In The Name Of Parity

Dan Andrews Laughs At Gladys’ “Abysmal” Fxxk Boi Numbers

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Reports are coming in that Victorian dictator Daniel Andrews has had a bit of a chuckle at the number of people his NSW counterpart Gladys Berejiklian has fxxked.  Speaking from the steps of his palace in Spring Street, Comrade Dan was asked about the controversy engulfing Gladys at the moment.  “Let me be clear. What Gladys has come … Continue reading Dan Andrews Laughs At Gladys’ “Abysmal” Fxxk Boi Numbers

SPECIAL REPORT: 9/10 Of Americans Have No Fxxking Idea What’s Going On

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With the 2020 US Presidential Election just weeks away, The Waterton Chronicle took to the streets to survey the locals on who they think is the best person to lead the alleged land of the free and home of the brave for the next four years. The results are simultaneously shocking and not really that surprising.  Our roving … Continue reading SPECIAL REPORT: 9/10 Of Americans Have No Fxxking Idea What’s Going On

Supercars: Whincup “Confused” After Kart Stops Before End Of Race

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT With the 2020 Bathurst 1000 not far away, some of the race favourites took to the kart track today, and after completing more than 100 laps each in preparation for the Great Race, the learnings from the session will surely prove invaluable for the race weekend.  Sources familiar with the situation told The Waterton Chronicle Jamie Whincup was … Continue reading Supercars: Whincup “Confused” After Kart Stops Before End Of Race

Supercars: Race Engineers To Undergo Pronunciation Training Ahead Of 2020 Bathurst 1000

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT Following the absolute clusterfxxk that resulted from the “debriss” incident at last year’s Bathurst 1000, teams up and down pitlane have apparently learned that if they’re going to win, they need to teach their race engineers about the whole silent “s” thing.  Announcing the new program from his office at Triple 8 Red Bull HQ, Head of Supercars … Continue reading Supercars: Race Engineers To Undergo Pronunciation Training Ahead Of 2020 Bathurst 1000

NZ Herald Steals “Fair And Balanced” Tagline From Fox News

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT In what will surely result in the next “completely impartial and not at all paid for by taxpayer money” pre-election poll showing that Jacinda will officially ascend to the status of “deity master” on election night in a few weeks, the New Zealand Herald has tonight just gone ahead and unveiled their new tagline.  The Waterton Chronicle sent … Continue reading NZ Herald Steals “Fair And Balanced” Tagline From Fox News

Jacinda Ardern Says She’ll “Hug everyone in New Zealand if that’s what it takes”

Rob Walsh | Political Reporter | CONTACT NZ Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has issued a stern challenge to National Party leader Judith Collins, stating that she’ll hug all of New Zealand’s “team of 5 million” citizens in order to win the now-postponed NZ election. Fronting the press after Auckland’s reversal into lockdown, Ardern said she’s ready to embrace every citizen literally if it means securing … Continue reading Jacinda Ardern Says She’ll “Hug everyone in New Zealand if that’s what it takes”

Richmond To Replace Groping With Traditional Australian Hug, Kiss, Lick Or A Bit Of A Dry Root

Mark Lewis | Roving Reporter | CONTACT Richmond Football Club have announced a new clubroom celebration policy in light of a recent groping scandal that has rocked the AFL side. The club were forced to change their celebrations after cameras in the changerooms caught several players groping each other, which led to much pearl-clutching by a handful of Twitter users. The Tigers have stated that … Continue reading Richmond To Replace Groping With Traditional Australian Hug, Kiss, Lick Or A Bit Of A Dry Root