SPECIAL REPORT: 9/10 Of Americans Have No Fxxking Idea What’s Going On

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

With the 2020 US Presidential Election just weeks away, The Waterton Chronicle took to the streets to survey the locals on who they think is the best person to lead the alleged land of the free and home of the brave for the next four years. The results are simultaneously shocking and not really that surprising. 

Our roving reporter, Mandy Handle, took time out from covering the front line in Minneapolis to ask the locals what they thought of the Presidential candidates. 

Makenzee Lewis (21), a humanities student, explained to Mandy that she “doesn’t really pay attention to that stuff”. 

“Like, I like, know like that there’s some kind of thing going on on the TV, but, like who even watches TV these days, I mean seriously, TV is so, like, prehistoric.” she added. 

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, another of our roving reporters, Britney Jobs, asked some of the budding movie stars living under a bridge near Sunset Boulevard who they’d be voting for. 

“I dunno dude, but red is pretty sus.” Frank explained. 

‘Nah I think blue is sus as fxxk.” Corey added. 

The contributions of Makenzee, Frank, and Corey, together with random polls carried out by The Waterton Chronicle suggest that when faced with a choice between a narcissistic billionaire and a senile grandfather, Americans do what they do best. 

They don’t even bother voting. 

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