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In what will surely result in the next “completely impartial and not at all paid for by taxpayer money” pre-election poll showing that Jacinda will officially ascend to the status of “deity master” on election night in a few weeks, the New Zealand Herald has tonight just gone ahead and unveiled their new tagline.
The Waterton Chronicle sent a reporter to the Herald offices to find out what’s going on.
“Basically, we just really like all the clicks and stuff. She’s kind of a big deal, you know?” explained Head of Social Manipulation (Media), Delvinia Tweedle-Dee, as she made cash angels on the floor using some of the cash Jacinda sent to the Herald earlier in the year to ‘stave off COVID’.
Delvinia went on to explain that basically the Herald has worked out that the only thing more profitable and engaging than a story about how good Jacinda is, is a story about boobs.
And with stories about boobs “frowned upon” by the government, it makes sense to just focus on how good Jacinda is.
When this reporter asked Delvinia to outline her thoughts on why Jacinda is so popular, the response was emphatic.
“I mean. She’s Jacinda. What more do you need? She’s like, like, the Kim Kardashian of New Zealand. She’s pretty famous and stuff.” the 21 year old explained.
“She has like a million Instagram followers yo.”
“But what has she actually done?” this reporter asked.
“Well. She saved us all from COVID. She also shut down that volcano. And she always smiles and hugs people. Even if she has to break social distancing rules to do it.” Delvinia explained.
Oh yeah. And those of you that clicked on the story because you thought the Herald was finally going to be “Fair and Balanced”, sadly, you are going to be disappointed. But thanks for the clicks.