Supercars: Tears Of Holden Supporters To Be Sprayed On Track In Bid To Enforce Parity

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As the so-called “organisation” (a loose term) running Supercars looks for ways to make the series even vaguely interesting again, like back in the day when it was about racing, the pelicans running the show have come up with yet another bird-brain scheme they reckon will bring back actual racing, and actual racing fans.

As the pelicans flap on about how good it is to see the slowest driver in the history of Supercars set the fastest lap in a race because he saved all his tyres for that exact moment, Head Pelican of Supercars, Paulie the Parity Pelican had an epiphany. 

“Like. Obviously we’re, I mean Holden, isn’t quick enough to win on merit alone. So it makes sense that we do something to slow Scotty, I mean, everyone else down so that we can win.” the seabird explained. 

The giant talking pelican went on to explain that he’s collected all the tears of all the disgruntled Holden supporters over the last few years, and the plan is to “even up the competition” by randomly spraying said tears onto the track as anyone in something resembling a Ford approaches. 

“We collected something close to 56 million litres of Holden tears when Scotty won Bathurst, so it kinda makes sense to utilise those tears to restore parity.” Paulie explained. 

“That’ll teach them for trying to win.” Paulie explained. 

The giant pelican went on to explain that instead of focusing on common sense ways to restore the series to something resembling something viable (like removing downforce), with actual racing occurring instead of tyre wars, that result in people like Jack Smith getting fastest laps mid race, his main concern was making sure everyone gets a trophy. 

“It’s so important that this competition is equal. And allows everyone an equal opportunity. If we have to give them faster tyres to make them more equal, then so be it.” Paulie explained. 

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