NZ Locks Down Again Despite Being “COVID-Free” Yesterday

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

After being gushed at and fawned over for months for single-handedly defeating not only a crazed lunatic with a gun, but a volcano and a “naturally occurring bat virus” that happened to magically escape from a lab in China, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has tonight interrupted the peasants’ regular government-sanctioned programming to announce that for reasons that no one can explain to anyone, COVID is back.

Just before an election. Funnily enough an election that El Presidente Jacinda herself described as “a COVID election”. 

When The Waterton Chronicle asked Jacinda to explain how a COVID-free country with closed borders and a strict quarantine process where only those who tested negative would be released into the community could possibly have any new COVID cases, she was frankly, scary. 

“Oh you think I’m just making this up so I can continue to be the war-time President, I mean Prime Minister, I clearly am?!” our glorious leader screeched. 

“Well. Yeah. But seriously, if there are no cases in the general population, and the people entering the country have to test negative before leaving quarantine, then how can the virus get into some random unnamed family in South Auckland?” this reporter asked. 

“Is there a chance you’re maybe just using this as an election tactic to scare people in the lead up to a democratic election you would rather didn’t have to happen?” this reporter asked. 

“Fxxk you Clarke, I mean Bryan!” our glorious leader hissed, before storming out in a giant huff.