WUT Closes Indefinitely After All Professors Cancelled

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As the entire western world busy’s itself with making sure no one offends anyone with old fashioned ideas like disagreeing with idiotic opinions in a civil manner instead of just setting fire to innocent people’s property, the equality continues to flow fast and free on campus at the Waterton University of Technology (WUT). 

After a couple of incidents where professors said things that students found “offensive”, things like “what if male and female are the only sexes?” and “it might be more productive for society generally if we allowed everyone to express their opinions” and “some dinosaurs killed other dinosaurs”, the professors involved in such blasphemy were of course marched off campus. 

The resulting lack of adults on campus has led to a situation where the students have separated into two camps, albeit with one primary goal in mind. 

“Let’s get fxxkkkkeddd up!” a WUT student suggested. 

The Waterton Chronicle spoke to one of the rebels as she balanced four cases of beer negotiating the rails over the sliding door to her University hostel.

“Mate, you’re cutting into my drinking and fxxking time!” she said as she dished out copious amounts of alcohol to her fellow scholars. 

Meanwhile over in the other camp, this reporter spoke to another student about the lack of professors since they all got cancelled. 

“Meh, who even cares. The important question is ‘how many beers have they had?’” Chad explained. 

Chad went on to explain that, in his opinion, “university is a drag man, those old people said things that offended me”, but he reported them anonymously, and now he can just carry on getting drunk and swiping right in the hope.  

“We won!” he claimed.