Jacinda’s Approval Rating Hits An Unprecedented 526%, With A Little Help From Some Friends

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

Despite dismally failing in all of her 2017 pre-election promises, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern is somehow polling hundreds of percentage points above any of her opponents, in what kinda looks a bit like a banana republic being born. 

The poll, which The Waterton Chronicle understands was conducted in a secret location, by invitation only, and with only the most loyal Jacinda cultists invited, along with a shxtload of her Chinese Communist Party friends participating via Zoom, shows that the former democratic nation of New Zealand may as well not even bother turning up to vote, because obviously El Presidente Jacinda is the most popular candidate. 

In an exclusive and increasingly difficult to arrange interview, this reporter spoke to El Presidente about the upcoming election, and why New Zealanders should vote for her. 

“Well, if they don’t vote for me, we’ll probably knock on their door and have a chat.” Jacinda explained, with a giant grin. 

“We can do that now you know, since we passed that whole COVID Response Act thing.” added our glorious leader. 

Apparently by “we” she didn’t mean she’ll turn up at people’s houses. 

“Oh, haha, no. I have people that do that stuff for me. As if I’d speak to the peasants LOL.” Communist Cindy explained. 

And yes, she did say “LOL” instead of actually just laughing out loud.

When this reporter asked about where all the money was coming from for the COVID response, Cindy was uncharacteristically decisive. 

“Fxxk off Bryan” she advised.