Premier Dan Andrews Offers Baby Pandas To Victorians Who Do What They’re Told

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As Victoria continues to build its case for being removed entirely from Australia, Premier Dan has today come up with a novel way to hopefully marginally disrupt the spread of COVID-19 in the communist outpost. 

Despite weeks of basically begging people to do what they’re told, for some reason strategies like hiring a bunch of idiots to run security detail without telling them that fxxking the guests was a no-no appears to have come back to bite everyone in what Dan’s owners are apparently calling “the Hong Kong of our Pacific realm”. 

Speaking from the steps of Melbourne’s Parliament House, Comrade Dan announced a new initiative that he reckons is pretty much the only way to deal with unruly children who refuse to do what they’re told. 

“My fellow Victorians. Children.” he began. 

“It is your civic duty to stay the fxxk at home. I’m not sure how I can be any clearer.” Dad, sorry, Dan, continued. 

“I would have thought it’d be common sense, but apparently you don’t grasp the concept. So let me be even clearer. 

“Go out bad. Stay home good.” Dan explained, in an attempt to tackle the language barrier. 

In an apparent effort to encourage the children of Victoria to do what the fxxk they’re told for once, Premier Dan has implemented a classically Victorian carrot and stick approach. 

“My fellow comr.. I mean Victorians. If you idiots can just stay at home for a bit, not only will you not get fined, we’ll send each and every one of you a baby panda to keep you occupied.” Comrade Dan explained. 

When asked where the sudden influx of baby pandas came from, Dan was coy. 

“You’re racist aren’t you?! Dan yelled, before this reporter had said anything. 

More to come.