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Alleged Former First Dad Clarke Gayford has tonight broken his silence, in the hope that others will learn from his mistakes. Speaking exclusively to The Waterton Chronicle, former First Dad and full time fisherman, and now just full time fisherman Clarke Gayford tells his side of the story.
“Yeah man, like, I’d just got back from another tax-payer funded fishing trip and old Commo (Comrade Cindy, Jacinda Ardern) was as usual working late, banging out some “new relationship” with China.” Clarke explained.
“We nabbed some pretty good crays though, so that was good eh.” he added.
Clarke reckons he realised pretty early on that as long as he fxxked the nanny when the mother of his child wasn’t around to catch him, he’d probably still get to go fishing for free.
“Yeah man. Cindy was obviously away a lot. Doing, you know, work, and stuff, I guess?” Clarke sort of asked and answered in the same sentence.
“Then with all the money we were bringing in from China, and Cindy’s whole hijab thing, and then how she fought the volcano, we realised we could maybe give me more time to just fxxk off out into the sea, far away from reality.” Clarke continued.
Apparently, though, the nanny was a fan of fishermen. And Clarke is apparently quite the fan of fans of himself.
“Yeah. So she was vacuuming one night. And the sight of her working the shaft of that vacuum cleaner into all those small gaps really got me going.” Clarke explained.
Unfortunately for Clarke, it seems that apparently the nanny’s persistent thrusts of the vacuum cleaner’s shaft may have overcome his tiny brain and prevented him from thinking like a proper human being.
“Sadly for me, I lost track of time, and old Commo wandered in mid-thrust.”.
“Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea.” Clarke explained, as he packed up his fishing gear, and prepared for the next adventure.