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Following a successful weekend for Supercars’ Head of Outcomes Paulie the Parity Pelican, that saw the best driver/team pairing on the grid only win one race out of three, the giant seabird has announced tonight a new initiative to ensure “parity” in the former competition.
Speaking exclusively to The Waterton Chronicle, Paulie said the new initiative was all about “giving everyone a chance to not feel bad about being too slow to win”.
“So what we’ve done is form a partnership with a local chop shop, sorry, I mean ‘wrecking yard’, and we’ll still supply Scotty’s tyres as per normal. It’s just they might be… a bit… pre-loved…” Paulie explained, with a smirk.
Paulie told this reporter it’s clear to him that his strategy of punishing the best drivers to stop them offending the worst drivers is working.
“I mean, look at Nick (Percat). Before we started fiddling with the results, back when it was a proper series with the focus only on who was the best driver and team, there’s no chance Nick would have won anything because he’s not quick enough. Now he’s won two already this season! It’s clearly working!”.
“And look at him, he’s clearly loving it.”.
Paulie went on to explain to this reporter that if the likes of DJR Team Penske and Red Bull want to win races in future, they just need to adapt to the new rules without complaining.
“Our main focus is making sure we drag the entire series down to the level of the weakest performers. We simply won’t tolerate more talented or skillful people doing better than less talented or skillful people.” the seabird squawked.