NZ: Northland Under Water, Jacinda Drowning In Her Own Self-Worship

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As residents of all colours, backgrounds and classes come together to help each other clean up after what Jacinda’s own media outlet (TV New Zealand) called a “1 in 500 year event”, El Presidente apparently decided there was nothing to be gained personally from turning up to have a look at the destruction. 

After saying last week that she “accepts” that the democratic country she stumbled into ‘leading’ has an election in a few weeks, and after becoming world-famous after taking all the credit for saving New Zealand from not only a lunatic lone gunman in Christchurch, but an actual volcano, Jacinda has, like all the other social media influencers, worked out that if it doesn’t go global, it’s not worth bothering with. 

The Waterton Chronicle spoke to our glorious leader El Presidente Jacinda and asked her about the Northland flood situation. 

“Oh, hehe. Do you know I’m kind of a big deal in the world?” she explained. 

“Like, hehe, why would I go there (Northland)? It’s full of poor people and dirty farmers. And now yucky water.” she continued. 

“It’s much nicer for me to just stay here in the palace to be honest. You know I’m a mum right?”. 

“Like, what’s the angle here? What good for me could possibly come out of me turning up to a place where actual New Zealanders are suffering? I can’t even wear a hijab. That’s just not my thing, man. You need to think globally.” she screeched. 

When this reporter asked if she maybe cares more about her UN job prospects than actual New Zealanders, El Presidente was for once in her life decisive. 

“Fxxk you Bryan!” she explained, as she summoned the palace guards.