“If You’re Going To Fxxk A Quarantine Security Guard, Wear A Mask” Premier Dan Andrews Urges.

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As Victoria’s COVID-19 catastrophe continues, Premier Dan Andrews has urged recent arrivals in mandatory quarantine to do what is right, to do their civic duty, and at least consider wearing a mask if they’re going to fxxk the security guards. 

The news comes after it was revealed today that guests in the state’s quarantine hotels have apparently been following one of Dan’s other favourite policies, and getting on the beers before looking for someone nearby to get jiggy with. 

Premier Dan, the throbbing Member for Mulgrave, announced earlier today that following the identification of a “training opportunity”, all quarantine security guards would be “encouraged” to wear face masks when fxxking the guests. 

“My fellow Victorians, it has come to my attention that our hard working security guards in quarantine facilities across the great state of Victoria have been banging the guests without proper protection.” Dan explained. 

“What I will say to these people, if you must fxxk, at least do the right thing and wear a mask. It is your civic duty.” Dan continued. 

The Waterton Chronicle spoke to one of the guests, who asked to remain anonymous, so we’ll call her Renee

“Yeah mate, I just got back from a year in Bali, so it was pretty difficult going from an endless supply of cock to nothing at all.” Renee explained. 

“Then I saw Pablo (the security guard) in his uniform, and I knew straight away he was the one for me. I love a man in uniform!” Renee swooned. 

Renee told this reporter next time her and Pablo “hang out” she’ll see if he’s willing to wear a mask, but she’s not confident. 

“He already told me he doesn’t like the feel of it, and it’s a bit of a hassle.”.