El Presidente Jacinda Says We Can Go To Europe If We Want, But Don’t Bother Coming Back

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As New Zealand’s descent into full-on banana republic continues, El Presidente Jacinda has today shown great compassion and kindness by allowing anyone who wants to leave the glorious island nation to just go, without the threat of being shot. 

Our glorious leader announced the Presidential Decree this morning from atop the slide she had built to honour First Baby Neve in the People’s Palace (formerly Parliament House) grounds last year. 

“Look, if people want to leave me and my team of five million, they can! We won’t stop them! But let me be clear. They should not attempt to come back.” Jacinda explained with a grin, as she cut the tip of another cigar. 

“Sure, Europe has some nice places. But so do I. Why go to Monaco or Paris when you could just go to Morrinsville, or Paeroa?” continued El Presidente. 

Jacinda went on to explain that anyone who chooses to leave her may as well just stay over there, because it won’t be a fun time for them if they come back.

“Well, obviously if they leave, and then try to come back, we’ll need to put them in COVID-19 quarantine for a bit. Then after that, provided they don’t have a funeral to attend or something, we’ll need to re-educate them, to make sure they haven’t learned any of those silly ideas like democracy or freedom, or, even worse, individuality.”