Dan Andrews Says “Everything Is Not Fine, But Ramadan Is Not To Blame, Because That’s A Bit Racist”.

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

Newly-self-decreed “Premier for Life” Dan Andrews has today reassured Victorians that while hundreds of mass-gatherings related to Ramadan in His Excellency’s glorious newly-formed Chinese administration, The People’s Republic of Victoria, are technically to blame for the CCP foothold becoming the laughing stock of the rest of the country, people should stop saying such racist things and instead blame themselves and their “privilege”. 

“My fellow Victorians. I’ll keep this brief. While it may be true that this giant clusterfxxk we find ourselves in the middle of is the result of our government setting different rules for different people based on the colour of their skin and, in this case, their religious beliefs, we must all now pay the price.” Comrade Dan explained, in yet another rousing speech. 

“My fellow Victorians! While it may be true that the vast majority of you have done what you were told, you must now all pay the price for the failures of the few!” the throbbing member for Mulgrave continued. 

“My fellow Com… I mean Victorians! The main thing here is we don’t blame anyone specifically, and we certainly shouldn’t blame me! Or you might end up being ‘re-educated’” Dan chuckled. 

“The blame clearly rests with all of us. Well, except for our Muslim comrades. And obviously the Chinese, and anyone else who identifies as a ‘minority’, because that’d be racist, and we are all equal! It’s just that some of us are more equal than others!” Dan screeched. 

The glorious leader of Victoria finished his allegedly “brief” speech with the customary threat of communist dictators everywhere. 

“Let me be clear. If you’re just an average Australian who can’t convince us you’re part of some kind of minority group, you have no excuses. You must continue to do what we tell you, even if they don’t. Or you will be punished.”. 

“Now, get on the beers!”.