Jacinda Ardern Orders All Labour MPs To Immediately Get Prego As Popularity Dips

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As questions over what the fxxk is going on with the quarantine situation continue to be given the classic Jacinda “we can just dismiss” treatment, our glorious leader has today come up with what she thinks will be an election-winning strategy. 

Following last night’s latest ‘Colmar Brunton We Definitely Asked 7 People And At Least 3 Were Not Jacinda Cultists’ poll results, and with former golden boy Ashley Bloomfield discovering first hand how quickly shxt goes south when you get too close to communists, El Presidente is in a bit of a panic, apparently. 

The poll showed, in what looks suspiciously like ‘foreign entities’, but definitely not China because that’s racist, had something to do with the last one, that El Presidente Jacinda is suddenly not looking as popular as she thinks she is.  

The Waterton Chronicle spoke to El Presidente Cindy to ask her how it felt to drop 50 percentage points (to 54%) between polls. 

“What do you mean 50 points? Like, that’s more than 100%? Oh yeah, hehe. Meh. I’ve already instructed my government to immediately get knocked up. Studies show that’s worth at least ten percentage points each.” our glorious and definitely completely honest and not at all lying leader explained. 

“Basically, if my entire caucus gets knocked up between now and election day, I’ll be fxxking unstoppable.” our glorious leader explained. 

“Imagine if I put on a headscarf whilst also pregnant! Fxxk man, the polls would go full spaceman!” the raging agnostic explained.