“I’m Only Responsible If It Makes Me Look Good” Says Jacinda

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As New Zealanders struggle to work out why we bothered staying at home and/or queue for hours for toilet paper and noodles for five weeks if the government is just going to let randoms infected with COVID-19 turn up and tiki tour around the North Island anyway, El Presidente Jacinda Ardern has explained what we all suspected. 

“Yeah. Look. That totally wasn’t my fault, cos it’s not good news.” Jacinda told The Waterton Chronicle with a giant grin, when asked how these two tourists managed to fit in a sight-seeing adventure between being released early from quarantine and attending the funeral they were here to attend. 

“The whole situation is not going to make me look good, so I’m not responsible. It was definitely someone else’s fault, probably Ashley’s (former golden boy, Director General of Health, Ashley Bloomfield).” added our glorious ‘leader’.  

“And if Ashley won’t take the blame, we’ll just pin it on the poor bastard who let them out of the hotel in the first place.” she added, with a chuckle. 

El Presidente Jacinda then explained that she’d much rather talk about how she hugged people after the Christchurch massacre, single handedly beat the White Island volcano into submission after it erupted, and personally went around, on horseback would you believe, killing every last individual coronavirus in the land.

“Oh yeah, that was all me. I did that.” she said enthusiastically. 

“But the virus is back because your government let it back in?” this reporter queried. 

“Hmm. Look Bryan, we covered this already. That’s not good news, and it will make me look bad, so I’m not responsible. How difficult is this to understand?” 

“Fair enough I suppose. Onto the whole Ihumatao illegal land occupation-turned-taxpayer-funded-takeover then. I tried to ask you about it at the site the other day, but you sped off when you saw me..” this reporter queried. 

“Oh fxxk off Bryan.” Jacinda explained, before exiting in a hurry, again.