“If You Want The Land, Just Take It, Put It On The Tab, It’s All Good”, Jacinda Says

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As our glorious leader, El Presidente Jacinda Ardern, continues to pretend her Minister’s aren’t complete idiots, she’s gone with the tried and tested approach of solving a major fxxk-up by just throwing Chinese-sourced taxpayer debt at it. 

The news comes after the government quietly announced today that instead of arresting a bunch of unemployed people who have been camping out on someone else’s land for the last few years, they’d take more of a  “stunning and brave” approach by giving them $30 million of our money so they can stay there. 

The decision has, for some reason, made some private landowners a little nervous over the prospect of a bunch of people turning up to camp out on their back lawns in the hope of scoring a free quarter-acre section within walking distance to the beach, the TAB, and Maccas, but El Presidente has been quick to label those people as “bigots” and “not part of our team of 5 million”. 

The Waterton Chronicle spoke to El Presidente Jacinda through the half open window in the back of her crown limousine as her driver was attempting a 9-point-turn to get the fxxk out of Dodge upon spotting our cameras. 

“Anyone who criticises me is a bigot!” Jacinda screeched through the window as the taxpayer-funded limo sped away. 

This reporter spoke to one of the “co-leaders” of the protest, Karen Opp-Ortunist (28), who explained what Jacinda’s decision means to her. 

“Reeee! Jacinda good! Jacinda hug! Jacinda give us money! Reeee! It’s like winning the Lotto!” she explained. 

“Some of the peeps here are pretty keen on nabbing some waterfront property in Takapuna, so we’ll probably head over there in the morning. Apparently one of them has a spa pool!” Karen added. 

More to come.