Jacinda Ardern Announces “The COVID Challenge” In Desperate Attempt To Distract The Peasants

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As pressure mounts on El Presidente Jacinda Ardern to for once in her life actually turn up and, you know, take responsibility for something that she was responsible for, our glorious leader has once again gone with the “smile and hug” approach. 

The news comes following the revelation that two randoms from the UK were allowed for some reason an exemption to New Zealand’s “strict” quarantine controls amid the COVID-19 “crisis” to attend a funeral in Wellington, some 680km away from Auckland. 

“Wait, If the funeral was in Wellington, why didn’t they just fly there?” you ask? 

The Waterton Chronicle put this exact question, among others, to the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern. 

“Fxxk, I don’t know? Maybe they wanted to see Hobbiton, or the glow worms or something? At least they’re spending money, and stuff.” Jacinda explained.

“Wait. Sorry. I forgot. They actually didn’t stop at all between Auckland and Wellington. The official story.. I mean, the truth, is they drove non-stop from central Auckland to central Wellington.” added our glorious, truth-telling leader. 

“So they pissed in bottles and stuff?” this reporter asked. 

“Look. Would you like a hug and a photo with me? I think it’d be a good idea.” our Supreme Leader asked. 

Jacinda then took the awkward pause as an opportunity to announce her latest policy, which she calls “The COVID Challenge”. 

“Look, we’re pretty sure it’s possible to drive from Auckland to Wellington on one tank of gas, without stopping at all for anything, even if you accidentally set off in the complete opposite direction and have to ask for directions from some randoms, so, in an attempt to just make this all go away and get people focusing on how I’m a mum and I wear hijabs and stuff, we’ve announced the ‘COVID Challenge’” Jacinda explained. 

This reporter understands that the COVID Challenge will see a group of hand-picked Jacinda supporters line up (facing south this time) in central Auckland determined to prove that it is technically possible to drive non-stop to Wellington, and thus put to rest any ideas that maybe the Prime Minister is full of shit. 

“Yeah look, the team that wins will have to average about 70kmh for fuel economy reasons, so it could take them a while. But we gave them plenty of bottles to piss in along the way.”