Jacinda Ardern ‘Answers’ The Difficult Questions After New COVID Cases

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

Less than three weeks after strutting around like the dictatorial peacock that she is, and taking all the credit for New Zealand being “COVID-free”, El Presidente Jacinda has been quick to distance herself from the monumental fxxk-up that saw the virus turn up again today. 

As news broke of the new cases, Jacinda was reportedly frantically looking for someone else to blame for letting two randoms from the UK into New Zealand and not even bothering to test them for the supposedly “deadly” disease. 

In a rare opportunity these days, given she’s apparently a deity and all, our glorious leader agreed to speak to The Waterton Chronicle to explain the situation, on the condition we would make her look fabulous. We agreed, hehe. 

This reporter asked what tests were done on the two randoms when they entered the country. 

“Oh, look, we’re a team of 5 million, and we have to unite for the recovery.” our Supreme Leader explained. 

“So, they weren’t tested?” this reporter queried. 

“Well.. look.. It’s just that we’re a team of 5 million. Would you like a hug and maybe a photo of me?” our glorious leader offered. 

Taking inspiration from legendary ABC Australia non-shit-taker Leigh Sales, this reporter had another crack. 

“Frankly, your Gloriousness, I just want to know if they were tested at all before they drove themselves 800km from Auckland to Wellington. And also if they stopped anywhere along the way?”. 

“Um. Yeah. Look. I’d have to direct you to (Director General of Health) Ashley Bloomfield on that one. I’m more interested in your thoughts on how cute First Baby Neve looks in this outfit.” El Presidente explained, before forcing this reporter to look at a picture on her phone. 

“And here she is going down the slide me and First Dad Clarke had installed in the palace, I mean Parliament, grounds.” 

Sensing another scandal that’d probably get not much more than a passing mention in mainstream media, this reporter went in for the kill. 

“Oh, nice. How much did that cost you?” this reporter asked. 

“Me? Haha. Nothing, silly. Don’t you know how this stuff works? Xi (Chinese President Xi Jinping) loaned the government the money. He told me he wants us all to be happy and compliant.”.

“Neve and Clarke have the whole thing to themselves most days.” she added.