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As New Zealand’s forced march towards full dependence on El Presidente Jacinda’s Chinese overlords continues, the formerly democratic nation’s traditional cutlery of choice is next on the list of things to be outlawed.
The Waterton Chronicle has learned that the Chinese Communist Party is insisting that, in return for the billions of dollars it is sending to New Zealand to help keep the peasants fed, New Zealanders stop using “barbaric” utensils like knives, spoons and forks to eat their dinner.
The news comes as China seeks to “broaden the minds” of New Zealanders as part of the communist dictatorship’s “Belt and Road Initiative” partnership with El Presidente Jacinda’s government.
“It’s a small price to pay for our family of five million.” Jacinda explained.
“Sure it’ll be a bit difficult for some people at first, particularly those with poor hand dexterity and those who enjoy a bowl of soup or Coco Pops, but I’m sure, as a family, we can work through it together.”.
“What people need to understand is that if we don’t immediately start using CCP-branded chopsticks, the money will dry up. So the peasants, I mean, my family of five million, have to make a choice. Eat in the way China insists, or don’t eat. It’s simple really.” El Presidente added.
This reporter understands the government has already borrowed an extra $500m from China and used the funds to place an order for 20 billion sets of handcrafted premium chopsticks, in a deal a CCP official described as “very good for Chinese economy”.