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Dictator of New Zealand Comrade Cindy has today announced via decree that from now on anyone that dies on her watch will automatically be classified as a victim of COVID-19, The Waterton Chronicle has learned.
The news comes as Cindy struggles to find legitimate reasons to control the population, following five days without a single new case of COVID in Tropico, sorry, “New Zealand”.
El Presidente was understandably disappointed with the lack of actual COVID-related deaths today, so did what any self-serving authoritarian propagandist does in the lead up to an election, and just “broadened” the definition of COVID-related death.
“What we’ve discovered is that it’s really not that difficult to stop an entire country in it’s tracks for the sake of my own idiotic ideological beliefs.” Jacinda explained.
“The whole lack of COVID-related things was starting to draw the peasants’ attention back to the fact I’ve done basically nothing other than smile and hug people for the last three years.” she added.
“Do these people even know who I am?!”.
“Like, I’m a pretty big deal.” she continued, for some reason.
El Presidente went on to explain that from now on, in order to boost the numbers of people dying from COVID, and to somewhat justify her own existence, anyone that decides to die in Tropico, sorry, “New Zealand”, will be classified as having died from COVID, even if they didn’t.