Jacinda Repurposes Beef & Poultry Farms, Cigars “More Profitable” Apparently

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

Following the announcement on Friday that El Presidente Jacinda Ardern isn’t keen on being accountable to the people of Tropico, sorry, New Zealand, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to report the news. 

However, The Waterton Chronicle has learned through a leaked email from El Presidente’s office that Jacinda’s plan to not have the entire country’s population starve to death is brilliantly and alarmingly simplistic. 

“Basically, what we noticed is that there’s quite a few loud people going on about how bad it is to eat meat. Or at least there were before this whole COVID thing kinda stole their thunder.” El Presidente’s incredibly scared anonymous advisor told this reporter. 

“So El Presidente came up with the idea of just giving up on the whole meat export market, ‘acquiring’ the privately owned farms, plowing up the green pastures and planting tobacco instead.”. 

This reporter understands the logic is that handmade cigars are much more profitable per unit than steak and chickens, and, most importantly, they’re vegan non-offensive. 

A source familiar with the situation says the idea came about after First Dad Clarke stumbled across some video game called Tropico while looking for something to do at Government House the other day. 

“The whole idea of it is to be a dictator and do what you want basically. Tobacco is the key, bro.” Clarke tweeted.