“Mandarin Not Just A Fruit In NZ Now”, Says Jacinda

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As the apparently suddenly endless supply of free money continues to fly around New Zealand, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has been quick to put to rest any ideas that the country will get out of this absolute mess without help from her Chinese overlords, The Waterton Chronicle has learned. 

Right about the time the government somehow managed to find the giant pile of cash they told the nurses, teachers and police officers they didn’t have, sources familiar with the situation have told this reporter that Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern has quietly snuck through parliament a change to the official languages of New Zealand. 

“Oh, look, Maori is definitely still there. So is English, albeit with more what we’re euphemistically labelling ‘limitations’.” Our Supreme Leader explained. 

“For example, I wouldn’t recommend using negative words in the same sentence as the word ‘China’. You might get a knock on the door.” she added, with a chuckle. 

“But the big news I really want to talk about is that Mandarin is no longer just a tasty fruit in New Zealand! I’m so happy that I’m here to announce myself, that, for ‘reasons’, New Zealanders better start learning Mandarin, and probably Cantonese too, as soon as possible.” Jacinda explained, before hugging some unsuspecting asian-looking woman in the front row. 

“What we’re aiming for is 5 million Mandarin speaking Kiwis by 2021. And if we don’t get there, we’ll just shift the goal posts, so it’s all good really. Yay us!”.