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“Welcome to North Korea.” said Kim Jong Un to this reporter, despite his lips not moving, and in fluent Chinese.
Come to think of it, his wave was kind of strange too, seemingly led by his nylon rope wristband.
Our sports writers did reach out to Dennis Rodman, who noted his famous friend-come-despotic dictator seemed to be acting rather out of character.
“Yeah man, I sent him a push toy gift of my favourite cartoon character Winnie the Pooh the other day and he absolutely flipped his lid. Strange stuff really.” Rodman explained.
This reporter then “agreed” to accompany the allegedly not-dead Kim Jong Un in a Presidential motorcade tour of Pyeonyang, with the Supreme Leader insisting we partake in a spot of karaoke in the back of the limo, as Elton John’s “Rocket Man” was played over the city’s loudspeaker system.
“I’m not the man they think I am at home.” the dictator formerly known as Kim Jong Un lipsynced, with quite a bit of help from his vocal assistants.
“Oh no no no, I’m a rocket man!” “he” belted out, before slumping over and needing several aides to prop him back up before anyone noticed.
“Phew, that was close.” One of his backup singers whispered.
“If anyone saw that we’d all be facing the anti-aircraft cannon.”.
“It definitely didn’t come from a lab. Bats! Bats and Pangolins!” a Chinese embassy official told The Waterton Chronicle, when asked if Kim Jong Un was really still alive.