Entire Nation Swallows A Little Bit Of Vomit After Malcolm Turnbull’s 50 Shades Of Barnaby Rant

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

Forget COVID-19 for a moment, a far more serious risk to the health of the nation right now is Malcolm Turnbull’s latest book. 

Seemingly hellbent on resurrecting the god-awful mental images of Barnaby getting jiggy with it that Australians had only recently managed to get out of their brains, Malcolm has decided that what people really need right now is a “blow-by-blow” account of an old chubby bald man getting it on with his secretary. 

Apparently determined to induce a collective vomit-fest across the nation, Malcolm for some reason decided to move on to speculating over whether Tony Abbott and Peta Credlin might have been playing hide the pickle too. Bleurgh. 

With the book not even on shelves yet, health authorities are already reporting a “massive spike” in cases of acute nausea, uncontrollable vomiting, and permanent mental health issues as a direct result of the sordid tale. 

“We’ve never seen anything like it.” Head of Trauma at Waterton Hospital, Doogie Howser, told The Waterton Chronicle. 

“We’ve just got an endless stream of people coming in who can’t stop vomiting because they can’t stop thinking about Barnaby doing it like they do on Discovery Channel.” Doogie explained. 

“Malcolm needs to think long and hard before he decides to publish this stuff, it’s a major health issue.”.