Sexyland Declared An Essential Service

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

After trying unsuccessfully last week to tell people they couldn’t fxxk each other, the government has apparently switched to the more palatable tactic of telling everyone to go fxxk themselves tonight, with the announcement that Sexyland has been declared an “essential service”. 

“Yeah, we tried to stop all the fxxkery last week, but people were kind of… resistant, hehe.” Victorian Premier and Supreme Leader Daniel Andrews told The Waterton Chronicle. 

“So, in classic government fashion, we’ve come up with a new policy that subtly but we think effectively tells the people we rule to go fxxk themselves.” Dan explained. 

“We recognise the key role Sexyland plays in allowing people to go fxxk themselves whilst adhering to the self-isolation rules we’ve come up with. And it therefore gives me great pleasure to declare Sexyland open for business once again!” Dan announced. 

“To the people of Victoria, I say, go fxxk yourselves!” he added. 

A source familiar with the situation told this reporter Sexyland is apparently “immensely satisfied” with the decision and is ready and willing to service those in need. 

More to come.