Pangolin Announced As Time’s “2020 Person Of The Year”

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

As pretty much the entire world goes into lockdown to fight the spread of COVID-19, Time Magazine has conceded no one else, not even Greta or Trump, are going to top the humble pangolin for most influential person of 2020. 

A spokesperson for Time told The Waterton Daily Chronicle the choice was a “no brainer, really.”. 

“Very rarely do we choose an actual animal for the title of “Person of the Year”, with Hitler and Stalin notable recipients over the years, but never have we selected an animal that also doubles as a food source for some unknown reason.” he explained. 

The spokesperson said the pangolin was chosen because it had almost single-handedly managed to do to the Western world what Chinese and Russian humans had been trying to do since the beginning of the 20th Century. 

“I mean, sure they had some help from bats and other assorted critters most people wouldn’t even touch let alone eat, but ultimately we identified that it was a small group of raw pangolins that managed to completely shut down the entire Western economy and turn their governments into slaves to China in the space of just a few weeks. It’s quite impressive really.” the spokesperson added. 

This reporter attempted to speak to a pangolin about the announcement, but it seems they’re all a bit tied up in a market in Wuhan.