REVEALED: Supercars: Roland’s 12 Rules For Winning

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As Triple 8 adjusts to not being able to cry about parity in this brave new world of pandemic-driven online racing, The Waterton Sports Chronicle has obtained an early draft of Roland’s new reasons to lodge a protest. 

With the upcoming Supercars All Stars E-Series set to be dominated by Scott McLaughlin, Shane van Gisbergen and Anton de Pasquale, if they can avoid being punted off by the noobs, Roland is apparently concerned that the last few years worth of whingeing about parity might go to waste if his Red Bull Holden Racing Team doesn’t get a 1-2 finish in every race. 

Through a series of incredibly convenient events, this reporter has somehow obtained a copy of Roland’s first twelve rules which, if broken by Team Penske, will result in guaranteed penalties. 

Rule 1: No lapping faster than a Triple 8 car. 

Rule 2: No finishing a race ahead of a Triple 8 car. 

Rule 3: No putting enough fuel in one’s car if a Triple 8 car hasn’t put enough in theirs. 

Rule 4: Blue flags apply to everyone, just not Jamie Whincup.

Rule 5: Mustang drivers to have Triple 8-designed wooden block placed behind throttle pedal.

Rule 6: Online stream viewers to remain at or below 100. 

Rule 7: “i” in “iRacing” to be pronounced with a Queensland accent (not a Kiwi accent).. 

Rule 8: Shane van Gisbergen the only Kiwi allowed anywhere near the podium. 

Rule 9: No passing the safety car unless your name is Jamie Whincup. 

Rule 10: Frames per second of competitors not to exceed 30. 

Rule 11: Sim rig seat velour to comply with Triple 8 wishes. 

Rule 12: Backlit keyboard on sim rig to only display red or blue.. 

Roland is apparently working with Paulie the Parity Pelican on many, many more rules, which we will report as more information comes to hand. 

More to come.