Mongrel Mob To Help Police Enforce Coronavirus Self-Isolation

Bryan Firebrand | Chief Editor | CONTACT

Following the news that anyone entering New Zealand will now be required to self-isolate for two weeks, Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern has had a bit of a think about how she’s going to enforce the rule, and she’s come up with the perfect solution. 

Our glorious leader initially thought the policy wouldn’t need enforcing, because “people do what I tell them to do.”. 

After holding an emergency cabinet meeting this morning to discuss the policy, which began with the traditional circle-jerk where every member is required to tell Jacinda three things they like about her as a person, it was decided that friends of the Government the Mongrel Mob will assist Police with their dawn raids on people’s homes to ensure everyone is complying. 

“Jacinda came up with the idea, which just shows once again what a glorious and magical leader she is.” explained Police Minister Stuart Nash. 

“It’s perfect really. I mean the Mongrel Mob have a wealth of experience in standover tactics, armed raids, and enforcement of rules, and of course we didn’t confiscate their guns so they’re much more capable of responding with force should anyone not comply with the self-isolation rule.” Nash continued. 

The Waterton Daily Chronicle understands the enforcement measure was eventually agreed to unanimously after Jacinda started crying when WInston Peters pointed out that maybe it was a bad idea for the government to be working with a criminal gang.