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Welcome to The Waterton Sports Chronicle’s “live” imagining of what might have transpired had one McLaren F1 team member not tested positive for coronavirus.
11:55pm: Welcome to Albert Park in Melbourne, Australia for what is surely going to be a somewhat entertaining, if not overwhelmingly epic Race 4 of the Virgin Australia Supercars Championship.
11:56pm: With just a few minutes until lights out, where is Jamie Whincup? The #88 Red Bull Holden is nowhere to be seen.
11:57pm: We’re hearing that Whincup has tested positive for an ankle ouchie and can’t take part in today’s race. Roland is reportedly already sitting in the steward’s office ready to protest if Team Penske score any points today.
11:59pm: Less than sixty seconds to race start now. Jack Smith’s engineer is on the radio confirming that the youngster understands what blue flags mean. “Yeah, I think so mate.” is Jack’s response.
12:00pm: And off they go on the formation lap. Oh no! Macauley Jones is in the wall at turn 1 again! It looks like those rear brakes are still refusing to cooperate. What a shame.
12:02pm: And it’s lights out! Cam Waters leads the pack down to turn 1 after Whincup’s ouchie prevented him from starting.
12:03pm: Fabian Coulthard is currently P16 after losing the customary 6 positions off the start.
12:04pm McLaughlin gives SVG the big don’t argue coming out of turn 12 to take P3. Roland immediately lodges a protest with race control over McLaughlin driving faster than SVG.
12:05pm: Well, they’ve settled into a single file procession as normally happens at this Albert Park circuit.
12:06pm: With Mustangs running P1, 2 and 3, Mark Skaife is having a whinge about parity. “We need to keep looking at how we make it easier for the Red Bulls to be out in front.”.
12:15pm: Literally nothing of interest has happened for the last 5 laps.
12:17pm: Greg Murphy said something about the shingle off the racing line. Mark Skaife attempted a sledge about New Zealanders.
12:19pm: Team Sydney boss Jono Webb is on the radio to Chris Pither telling him to get a move on or he won’t share a Coke with him after the race.
12:20pm: The stewards have investigated car #17 Scott McLaughlin’s pass on SVG and found that while the pass itself was fine, he gets a pit lane drive through penalty and the removal of all his championship points for passing a Triple 8 car. Pretty standard stuff really.
12:21pm: McLaughlin comes into the pits to serve his penalty. He drops back to P15 as a result, still ahead of team mate Fabian Coulthard.
12:23pm SVG drills the back of #23 Will Davison, which in turns sends him careening into the side of #6 Cam Waters at turn 4. SVG takes the lead.
12:25pm: Race control says “there’s no need to investigate the SVG, Davison, Waters incident because SVG is winning now.”.
12:28pm: Ryan Story from Team Penske is told to stop complaining about the SVG move or risk going into negative championship points.
12:31pm: SVG pits from the lead. Oh no! They’ve somehow managed to send him out with the front left wheel missing!
12:32pm: RED FLAG! The race has been stopped. Apparently it’s to allow Red Bull to put the right number of wheels on the car and continue in the lead.
12:33pm: With SVG’s car now on the correct number of wheels, the race will restart behind the safety car 5 minutes from now.
12:37pm: Neil Crompton is talking about how safety cars breed safety cars. “It’s going to be wild!”.
12:38pm: And we’re green again! SVG leads into turn 1 with Reynolds P2 with Mostert right up his clacker.
12:39pm: Fabian Coulthard is “struggling for pace” down in P19. Meanwhile Scott McLaughlin has fought his way back from P15 to P4 somehow.
12:41pm: With only a few laps to go, Scott McLaughlin is now putting pressure on Mostert for P3. Oh, scratch that. Paulie the Parity Pelican has apparently told Ryan Story that if McLaughlin tries to pass the Holdens in front of him he’ll cop another penalty.
12:44pm: Jack Smith is in the fence at turn 8! SAFETY CAR is out! Luckily for Jack he went in backwards as usual so is completely unharmed.
12:45pm: And that’s it for Race 3. We’ll finish behind the safety car, which ensures another win for Triple 8, with Reynolds P2 and Mostert P3 to complete an all Holden podium. Roland is still protesting something in the stewards office though.
12:49pm: It seems that Roland has successfully argued that Jamie Whincup should be awarded an honorary P2 in the race, because, “reasons”. Apparently the logic from Supercars is that if he hadn’t hurt his ankle he probably would have won the race, so P2 “is a compromise”.
12:51pm: So there we have it folks. Triple 8 takes a not at all controversial 1-2, despite only having one car in the race, with David Reynolds P3. Jamie is hobbling onto the podium to collect his trophy.
12:56pm: “A good result all round really.” said Paulie the Parity Pelican. “It was a bit touch and go for a bit there when Scotty (McLaughlin) seemed to think he could just pass the Holdens. But we sorted that out.”.
12:58pm: That’s it from us folks. Join us later today for another mildly interesting motor race that Triple 8 will win.