World News Media Fires All Non-Coronavirus-Related Staff

As the coronavirus hysteria continues to reach new heights with every passing hour, the entire global news media has collectively decided they don’t really have to bother reporting on all the news anymore, and will just run a continuous loop of coronavirus stories for the rest of eternity. 

Speaking exclusively to The Waterton Daily Chronicle, Emperor of The World Rupert Murdoch explained the decision. 

“Well, we used to report on basically anything we thought people might be interested in, or that we had a vested interest in, but then we started to think ‘why not just hammer people with a single story about how a variant of the flu is going to kill them all.’  It turned out to be a genius idea, and now we’re making more money off coronavirus hysteria than all the other stories we’ve ever run combined.” Rupert explained, with a satisfied grin on his face. 

Rupert told this reporter he had already told “around 95%” of his “non-essential” journalists to pack up their desks and get out. 

“I mean, it’s unfortunate, but we just don’t need people who do stories on other topics, do we?” he asked rhetorically.