Jacinda Ardern Declares National Emergency After Ash Lands On Glacier

After watching her crack team of hand-picked government ministers stumble from one fuck up to the next over the last few years, Supreme Leader Ardern has become admittedly very skilled at using random crises to get herself back in the good books of the global media. 

With this in mind, when a bit of ash from the catastrophic bushfires on the east coast of Australia had the audacity to settle on one of her precious glaciers today, she didn’t even hesitate. 

Speaking from her dad’s launch off the coast of Tutukaka, where her and First Dad Clarke, and of course First Baby Neve, are enjoying a spot of fishing, Ardern told this reporter she “had no choice” but to declare a national emergency. 

“I had no choice. We’re slipping in the polls. I need to make sure the idiots.. I mean.. people..  that we rule are scared” she explained. 

“I mean, sure the Australians have probably got more of an issue with actual fires and stuff, but seriously, how bad do those glaciers look?” she added. 

“My UN bosses won’t be pleased if they see my glaciers looking dirty.”.