Opinion: Supreme Leader Takes Two-Minute Break From Screwing Us Over To Tell The World How Good She Is

To commemorate two years since she randomly turned up as Prime Minister of New Zealand following a deal by Winston Peters that was nothing more than his way of saying “fuck you” to his former National Party colleagues, Supreme Leader Jacinda Ardern has taken two minutes out of her busy celebrity life to share her thoughts on why she’s so amazing, and it’s pretty funny. 

The “Two years in two minutes” challenge kicks off with Cindy gleefully mentioning the “92,000 new jobs” she’s apparently created, while conveniently failing to mention that those new jobs were more a result of a continuing trend since the end of the GFC, and helped along by the 200,000 new arrivals into the country since 2017. By the way, that 200,000 new arrivals goes against her original election promise to cut immigration. 

Among a really long list of stuff she thinks she’s done is “banned military-style semi-automatic weapons”. Again our Supreme Leader fails to mention that of the roughly 250,000 now illegal weapons out there (no one actually knows how many there are), a somewhat modest 10,000 have been recovered through the buy-back scheme. With exactly zero taken off baddies because baddies don’t normally have gun licences and/or turn up to police stations voluntarily and/or give a fuck about the law. 

Suspecting that something was a bit “propaganda-ish” about Jacinda’s video, The Waterton Chronicle’s Chief Political Reporter, Wendel Proletariat decided to investigate further. 

After going through each of Cindy’s claims, we’re pretty confident at least 70% of them are complete rubbish, and the other 30% could be classed as “a bit of a stretch”. The hastily-put-together spreadsheet below deals with each claim individually, and it’s pretty funny.