ANZ Bank has just announced that Friday afternoon drinks for staff are cancelled indefinitely, citing a “perfect storm” of rising beer and wine prices together with only making a $6.4b profit last year. 

ANZ’s Director of Rorting & Pillaging, Angus Jackov said the situation was  dire and drastic measures had to be taken. 

“Look, those of us in the Senior Leadership Team like a free drink as much as the next bloke, but we simply can’t justify doing anything nice for our staff when they’ve comprehensively failed to make a decent amount of money for us and our shareholders.” he hissed. 

“I mean $6 billion? What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?!” he added. 

“Our bonuses might be less than a million!” We’re going to have to get used to living in poverty, I might have to sell the yacht.” he said dejectedly. 

“Maybe even one of the McLarens”. 

More to come.