Dutto’s Goons Turn Back Boat People Near Melbourne

Melbourne’s streets are apparently a little bit safer today after a boat-load of asylum seekers from Tasmania was intercepted just off Port Phillip Heads. 

The drama unfolded just before dawn this morning when the rickety old hulk, thought to be The Spirit of Tasmania, was spotted trying to sneak into Port Phillip Bay under the cover of darkness. Luckily Peter Dutton’s crack team of humanitarian dream-shatterers were on the case and the boat was quickly coaxed back out of the harbour and therefore no longer our problem. 

The Waterton Chronicle understands the boat is now making a run for the isolated west coast of New Zealand, where it’s thought the 400-strong group of Tasmanian extremists will be immediately given New Zealand citizenship and turn up at Melbourne airport sometime next week.

Speaking from his recently-completed mountain-top lair, dubbed “The Emu’s Nest”, Gruppenführer Dutton provided a bit more detail around the close call. 

“In the early hours of this morning a boat containing up to 400 fundamentalist Tasmanians was intercepted off the coast of Melbourne. It’s thought the group were attempting to bring their weird accents and positive action on climate change to the mainland, which is something we just won’t tolerate” he explained. 

“Our border protection dinghy was deployed and boarded the Spirit of Tasmania at around 5.30am this morning. Despite some initial problems with the language barrier, the captain was eventually persuaded to turn around, so we can forget about them all now” added Dutto. 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has issued a statement in which she has confirmed the group of desperate asylum-seekers will be given passports and free travel to Australia aboard the nationalised airline Air New Zealand. “We’re committed to making ourselves look good, no matter the cost, and whether or not it actually achieves a good result” she explained. 

More to come.