USA Goes Full Saigon-style Evacuation In Afghanistan

Having apparently not learned anything in the nearly fifty years since they were chased off the rooftops of Saigon by a bunch of rice-farmers, the US military is once again trying to figure out how to exit a war they can’t ever win while still claiming to everyone that they did in fact win. 

Eighteen years down the track, the self-described “leader of the free world” is in fact probably further away from defeating the Taliban than the Soviets were in the 1970s when the US was funding the then-named Mujahadeen. 

The Waterton Chronicle has learned that President Trump is a big fan of Rambo II, and also knows a thing or two about how good it is to not have gone to Vietnam. 

Kind of wishing he could figure out how to get his arsenal of attack helicopters, fighter jets, state-of-the-art bombers, millions of heavily armed troops, and precision-guided cruise missiles to up their game enough to compete with the ruthless feudal tribes of opium-addicts and goat-farmers defending their homeland and poppy farms in Afghanistan, Trump today announced that Afghanistan is now “rating slightly better” than it was 1000 years ago. 

“Apparently they have a KFC in the US Airforce base now, which is tremendous” he added. 

He went on to explain that his latest Secretary of State and suspected vampire, Henry Kissinger (146) had recommended that they wheel out the fleet of long-retired Vietnam-era Iriquois helicopters to replicate the high rating TV scenes Trump had watched from his gold-plated Manhattan tower all those years ago, by dragging unsuspecting locals off the roofs of what’s left of Kabul, and repatriating them as professors in Trump University. 

More to come.