University Goes Full Oprah, Hands Out Degrees To Any Old Random

Western Sydney University is today celebrating after coming up with a genius way to boost it’s  enrolment and pass rates.  

In a bit of a departure from the normal university model, which generally requires people to have at least a basic grasp of reading and writing and counting, WSU has decided to just hand out degrees to anyone who wants one.

Apparently the ground-breaking approach was developed over a few glasses of bubbly last night in the university’s Faculty of Equality and Tolerance. Faculty Head Briony Left-Leaner (42) said she was really happy the University had been so keen to adopt the policy. 

“For some time we’ve felt that it’s discriminatory and unrealistic to expect people to actually study and gain an understanding of a topic before being deemed “qualified”. Many people we spoke to for example said they identified as qualified nurses, and they felt hurt and humiliated when people pointed out that they haven’t studied the subject at all.” she explained. 

She went on to add that the solution they came up with, known as “Degrees For Everyone”, was inspired by an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show that she recalled watching a few years ago. 

“It was just such a beautiful example of socialism at work, with one person with billions of dollars generously dishing out 0.00001% of the wealth to a group of poor workers, in the form of a poor quality car” Briony said, holding back tears. 

“The joy created when Oprah announced “You get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” was something we desperately wanted to replicate, so along with emailing and sending a text message to each of our lucky instant graduates, we’ve also invited them all to attend an event at Panthers Stadium where I will personally meet all the winners and reenact Oprah’s beautiful gesture. I can’t wait for the raging torrent of equality when I announce “You get a degree. And you get a degree. And you get a degree, and you get a degree!” she gushed. 

The policy was announced to anyone who hadn’t said or thought anything critical of the University in the last 200 years.