A self-proclaimed responsible gun owner has today embarrassed himself and his family by collapsing under the pressure at what surely would have been his moment to shine.
The debacle began early this morning when an opportunistic raccoon bashed it’s way through the cat door at the home of middle-class man Chase Ditka (38), his wife Mandy and their two kids.
The four-legged bandit broke into the home around 4am this morning, and immediately made a bee-line for the leftover KFC Chase had foolishly left out on the kitchen bench. Waking from his Bud-induced slumber as the cunning critter casually sampled the Colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices, oblivious to how rubbish it will make him feel in an hour or so, Chase headed straight for his gun safe, hellbent on defending his family from the clear and present danger posed by the chicken-loving intruder.
As the raccoon finished off the chicken and reluctantly moved on to the potato and gravy he thought to himself how good it would be if he figured out one day how to use a microwave, because cold potato and gravy is surely some kind of torture.
Just as he was pondering being able to heat up his stolen leftovers, the wily rodent heard some kind of commotion going on upstairs.
“Wake up Mandy, there’s an intruder in the house” Chase urged as he tried to remember the code to the safe where his trusty Colt 45 is. “What the hell is the code?” he added, now approaching a state of sheer panic.
“Huh?” said Mandy, still oblivious to the imminent threat posed by the cheeky rodent.
“The code, Mandy! The safe code! We’re all going to die!” Chase helpfully added.
“Oh, it’s my grandmother’s birthday” Mandy even more helpfully added, as the intruder accidentally knocked over the TV in an apparent attempt to enjoy a little bit of Netflix with his meal.
Evidently having sorted out the responsible gun owner issues by working out the code in only 15 minutes, Chase made his way downstairs to confront the ruthless killer.
Our resourceful racoon larrikin heard the imminent threat and grabbed a half-finished can of Bud Light before disappearing out the cat door amid a hail of bullets from local hero Chase.