NZ Government Rounds Up Unsuspecting Local Larrikins For Railway Project

Our Supreme Leader has today announced a really cheap and only slightly communist plan to fast-track completion of what Jacinda has dubbed “The Jacinda Ardern Railway of Diversity and Inclusion” using convict labour sourced from the local prison. 

In a policy eerily reminiscent of Chairman Mao’s ill-fated “Long March”, and clearly inspired to some extent by First Dad Clarke’s Netflix choice on Saturday night, the policy will see the government ditch the more traditional approach of hiring trained engineers who know a thing or two about building railway lines in favour of the considerably more free of charge rabble of petty criminals and loveable larrikins. 

Speaking from First Dad Clarke’s cabin cruiser somewhere off the coast of Rangitoto Island where the First Family are enjoying a spot of fishing and introducing Baby Neve to joys of seasickness, Jacinda shared more details about the policy. 

“Yeah, look, we’re really excited about this ground-breaking policy. Clarke was trying to find something to do on Saturday night and stumbled across this movie ‘The Bridge on The River Kwai’. He really liked the idea of forcing prisoners to build a railway line, and frankly so do I.” she explained. 

“It fits in really well with our policies around forcing private enterprise out of the market by pouring all the country’s money into grossly inefficient public sector initiatives, so yeah, I really like the idea a lot.” she added with a gleeful tone. 

This reporter asked our Supreme Leader what sort of timeframe we’d be looking at for completion of the project. 

“Oh, um. Look, in line with KiwiBuild, KiwiHealth, and KiwiEd, we strongly believe in not having any targets or timeframes in place so that we don’t have to be accountable for anything. So yeah I’m sure it’ll be finished sometime in the future, I guess”.

More to come.