Waterton Professor Soars To New Heights In Vicious Pursuit Of Tolerance and Equality

With Open Days in full swing at WUT this week, thousands of Waterton High School students have today taken the opportunity to see what lies in store for them should they choose to pursue lifelong debt and higher education. 

Waterton University of Technology prides itself on it’s wide array of deeply inclusive and tolerant course choices, which it says are designed to “smash gender stereotypes and ensure that all of our young people feel welcome”. With today’s Open Day focusing on Nursing and Midwifery prospective students were invited to visit the faculty buildings and chat with WUT staff about their course options and potential career paths. 

One such doe-eyed and intolerably innocent young chap present at the faculty’s Open Day today was Waterton Heights resident Sebastian Thompson-Trevair, who despite months of ridicule from his Careers Advisor decided to pursue his dream of becoming a midwife. 

As he sat waiting patiently for his turn, the door to the office of the Head of Academia, Doctor Agatha Hagraven, flew open and the disheveled form of what used to be an enthusiastic learner emerged and fled the campus. 

This reporter caught up with the unnamed girl who explained that when she said that she wanted to study midwifery, but didn’t know much about it, Ms Hagraven hissed back “If you don’t know about being a midwife, then why are you even here”, before she disappeared back into a cupboard in the corner. 

Back at the office, Ms Hagraven peered around the corner of the door and beckoned with a single claw for Sebastian to enter. 

He explained with some trepidation that he would like to study midwifery as he wanted to help people and could think of no better way than to help women during childbirth. 

Ms Hagraven, by now perched on the corner of her desk with wings stretched out and flailing, screeched “Don’t lie to me manchild! You just want to see vaginas don’t you boy! Arrkk, Arrrk!” before disappearing out the window into the night. 

Witnesses on the ground report that Ms Hagraven was heard to be shrieking “Call me Doctor! Doctor Hagraven!” as she soared above the suburbs of Waterton.