Government Declares Sports Fixtures “Shared Victories”

In the ongoing fallout and sore-losery caused by the shambolic end to the Cricket World Cup final, and last weekends pisspoor All Blacks showing against Australia, the government has announced that with immediate effect, matches where New Zealand scores less points than the opposition will now be described, along with draws,  as a “shared victory”. 

Throughout the history of mankind these situations have been described using what we now know are apparently upsetting and traumatic terms such as “loss” or “defeat”. The government has decided to take action to prevent what a spokesperson said was “the unacceptable risk of physical, emotional and mental injury from insensitive and bigoted people using such aggressive and harmful terms”. 

The announcement comes after a petition set up by 22 year-old unemployed man, Justin Case a Top Fan on the NZ Herald Facebook page, attracted more than 14 signatures in just two weeks. 

“I find the whole idea of competition very uncivilised, and it’s so  hurtful to players feelings when they don’t win. The government’s announcement today is a step in the right direction, but we will keep trying to make it even more equal in terms of outcomes. Frankly I think the only way to do this is to ban scorekeeping altogether and focus on participation” he told this reporter via Facebook Messenger. 

“That way anyone can be an All Black or a Black Cap and no one has to worry about feeling bad if we don’t win”. 

Speaking from beside the pool on her latest Pacific Island family getaway, Supreme Leader Ardern said she “wholeheartedly supported” the new initiative. Although it appears she is less concerned about the feelings of opposition players, declaring “If we actually win, we’re not sharing that. It’s just if we don’t win, we need to share that victory”.