Cops Deploy Advanced Tactics “Singalong Squad” At Land Occupation

In somewhat vomit-inducing scenes at Ihumatao overnight police have deployed their newly created “Singalong Squad”. 

Seemingly not convinced that doing their normal job, enforcing the law, wouldn’t just upset the protesters and make Jacinda look like she is being mean, the police have instead opted to crack out a guitar and have a good old-fashioned singalong. 

Apparently the plan is to make the protesters feel as at home as possible in what must be a new experience for most of the group compared to their normal daily grind of waking up at lunchtime and having a cheeky punt on the dogs before the boys turn up for a few drinks. 

Speaking via morse code from somewhere between Samoa and her dads bach on Tokelau, aboard the HMNZS Achilles which was put back into service especially for the trip having been decommissioned in 1946, Prime Minister Ardern released the following statement:

“Of course we could go with the standard approach of protecting the rights of private land owners and removing the trespassers, but there is a very real risk that could make them feel bad about themselves. So we’ve chosen the more heartwarming and cuddly approach of letting them do whatever they want and hoping it lands me a Nobel Peace Prize”.

The Waterton Chronicle spoke to professional protester Marama Davidson, who also sometimes works as a Green MP in the coalition government, about the protesters’ plans for the next few days. “Oh we’re having a great time. Everyone’s bringing us free piss. The cops are singing to us instead of arresting us. And no one’s worried about breaking stuff because we don’t even own the joint! Best pissup ever!”.