Police Tell Bottle Shop Worker To Fend For Himself, Get More Woke

bottleshopA Waterton bottle shop worker found out the hard way last night the extent to which the government is prepared to go to ensure everyone has equality. 

Trainee Assistant Manager Sam (23), a ten year veteran of retail,  was approaching the end of another uneventful day at the Waterton Thirsty Badger when a group of around 10 teenagers dressed like they’d just arrived from the mean streets of Inglewood turned up. They proceeded to help themselves to an assortment of wines and spirits although, to their credit, they had the common courtesy to only take one item each. While they were busy pillaging the store as if it was some kind of politicians travel expense claim, the squad failed to notice that Sam had managed to drag himself away from arguing with strangers on Facebook and lying to chicks on Tinder about his “corporate manager career” long enough to call the cops.

Having expected his reports of a robbery in progress to be taken reasonably seriously by police, Sam couldn’t have been any less enlightened or progressive in his thinking, as the police dispatcher would go on to lecture him. “They told me they wouldn’t do anything because no one was being hurt. They said ‘come on mate, it’s only a few bottles, no harm done, stop being so bigoted’.” Sam explained. He went on to describe how the dispatcher claimed he should be thankful that he has been able to bring happiness to the group by providing them with the same opportunity to get absolutely slaughtered on cheap piss tonight as the “privileged elite”. 

Realising he was on his own, Sam, a big Batman fan, decided to take matters into his own hands, full vigilante style. “Oi! Are you gonna pay for that?” he yelled huskily at one of the squad as they ran off into the night.

When approached for comment, a local Waterton Police constable confirmed they had taken one 23 year old retail worker into custody on charges of discrimination and hate speech.