In what’s being described as an “unfortunate oversight”, Waterton’s newest state school has today opened its doors and promptly closed them again after it was noticed that they spent all their money on Macbook Pros and diversity consultants and had nothing left for teachers or books or, you know, electricity and stuff.
Originally announced five years ago and touted by then education minister Maggie Marx as “a state of the art learning and discovery centre for Waterton’s future social justice leaders”, and regularly referred to by the government as yet another example of how great they allegedly are, Waterton High School was officially opened this morning in a small ceremony attended by Principal Alyssa Snowflake and her best friend Shanae. It appears the ceremony started off smoothly, with Miss Snowflake cutting the pink ribbon across the gate with a pair of novelty scissors while posing for selfies with Shanae and some random guy who was jogging past at the time. The trio were apparently blissfully unaware of a concerning lack of students turning up for their first day.
The first sign of what the Department of Education and Equality describes as “teething problems” was when Miss Snowflake went to switch the lights on as the modest turnout entered the freshly painted office area. Upon speaking to the Department, Miss Snowflake immediately started pondering if perhaps she should have kept some money aside for electricity and teachers and things. When approached for comment by this reporter, Miss Snowflake said “I’m, like, very proud of the like, beautiful school I’ve built. We have like, met all our goals in terms of wellbeing and diversity and have the best laptops and dance studio in Waterton”.
When quizzed on what the point of an empty school is, a policy advisor at the Department explained “while some less enlightened people may see the situation at Waterton High School as a mistake, we prefer to look at the positives. I mean look how functional the open plan classrooms are. And I really like the aesthetic/ergonomic balance we’ve achieved through the use of sustainably sourced beanbags in place of chairs”. She went on to point out that the government promised a new school for Waterton, and that “we have really smashed that metric out of the park”.